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Dispatches From Orbit  Get Feed for Dispatches From Orbit

AR-15 with Chainsaw bayonet.

Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised

OrbitMay 13, 20212021-05-14T10:20:37-07:00
Maricopa County Arizona, where a struggle of biblical proportions between GOOD and EVIL continues on a daily basis. (more…)
Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell

Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell

Orbit May 8, 2021 Comments Off on Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell2021-05-08T17:27:02-07:00
Now you might find this fascinating, especially if you're already in a trance state, some dizzy broad in Schenectady (more…)
Wall mount dog hunting trophy.

Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State

Orbit April 8, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State2021-05-14T08:22:38-07:00
Dog hunting season starts next Wednesday wherever the fuck you live, you assholes with the guns (more…)
Bland guy with car fire in background.

Dispatch: Bland Man Commits Bland Crime In Bland Place With Bland Weapon

Orbit March 15, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Bland Man Commits Bland Crime In Bland Place With Bland Weapon2021-03-15T22:25:24-07:00
You know, in the hell hole of journalism, there is the saying: "The picture is the story." (more…)
Possible alleged Q-Anon suspect suspected.

Dispatch: Breaking News Bombshell, Secret Identity Of Q-Anon Finally Revealed

Orbit March 8, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Breaking News Bombshell, Secret Identity Of Q-Anon Finally Revealed2021-05-13T22:35:20-07:00
Hope you didn’t expect the big reveal to be in the lede, you’re going to have to click through to find out who he is. We promise, it’s in the next paragraph. (more…)
Serial shitter on the loose.

Dispatch: Mainstream News Targeting 2 to 4 Year Old Demographic With “Serial Pooper” Story

Orbit February 16, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Mainstream News Targeting 2 to 4 Year Old Demographic With “Serial Pooper” Story2021-05-14T10:15:33-07:00
Yeah yeah, your mainstream (as in running sore) media is referring to the guy as a “serial pooper." (more…)
Example of damage to a car.

Dispatch: Imbeciles In Maine Brutally Attack Car With Out Of State Plates

Orbit January 30, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Imbeciles In Maine Brutally Attack Car With Out Of State Plates2021-03-18T16:43:37-07:00
These days you gotta find your fun where you can. A couple of imbeciles in Maine saw a car with Vermont plates (more…)
Breakthrough For Women In Workplace.

Dispatch: Huge Breakthrough For Women–Entertainment Company Hires Female GM

Orbit November 13, 2020 Comments Off on Dispatch: Huge Breakthrough For Women–Entertainment Company Hires Female GM2021-03-07T09:08:38-08:00
Everyone can agree, the one industry that has shut women out of the executive ranks is the entertainment industry. (more…)
Train smashes boat off transport truck.

Dispatch: Trainwreck Watching Is Becoming The Newest And Hottest Spectator Sport

Orbit October 27, 2020 Comments Off on Dispatch: Trainwreck Watching Is Becoming The Newest And Hottest Spectator Sport2020-10-30T09:33:55-07:00
Can there be anything more exciting than watching somebody try to beat a train to the tracks? No. In person there could not be (more…)
Undelivered mail in trash bags.

Dispatch: Local Mail Carrier Hailed As Hero By Area Residents In PA Town

Orbit October 22, 2020 Comments Off on Dispatch: Local Mail Carrier Hailed As Hero By Area Residents In PA Town2020-10-22T22:09:59-07:00
It’s no shocker to us up here in Orbit, but they caught another mail carrier throwing away mail. The Feds raided the guy’s house (more…)

News & Opinion  Get Feed for News & Opinion

Mr. Beast seems surprised.

Mr. Beast’s Public Oral Fixation Is Ruining The Internet (With Graphs)

OrbitMay 9, 20212021-05-10T14:51:02-07:00
Who is Mr. Beast? We don't know and we don't want to know. All the energy we expend on this post will be focused on (more…)
Dinner under Covidstances.

We Are Forced By Covidstances To Provide Terrible Customer Support

Orbit April 16, 2021 Comments Off on We Are Forced By Covidstances To Provide Terrible Customer Support2021-05-08T13:32:37-07:00
Any company, governmental, or institutional office you call these days you get the same rambling, self-serving (more…)
Latter day Gutendex with indentured workers.

Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found

Orbit March 20, 2021 Comments Off on Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found2021-03-20T18:36:26-07:00
It’s now been confirmed the actual all-original first edition copy of Gutenberg’s Rolodex has been discovered (more…)
Incognito Uniformed Police.

You Should Be Very Alarmed If A Stranger Asks If His Ear Is Bleeding

Orbit March 12, 2021 Comments Off on You Should Be Very Alarmed If A Stranger Asks If His Ear Is Bleeding2021-03-18T14:58:09-07:00
This is how I've become. If I were in some public place, yeah, let's say the mask thing is over, or never happened or something. (more…)
PETA

PETA’s New Mascot, Climate Change Cow, Delivers Dire Warning

Orbit February 22, 2021 Comments Off on PETA’s New Mascot, Climate Change Cow, Delivers Dire Warning2021-03-11T21:46:17-08:00
Typical of shrill animal rights activists, the sign is in ALL CAPS. But you have to admit, that’s quite a catchy slogan. (more…)
Charlie Chaplan some kind of silent movie star.

Disturbing New Charlie Chaplin-Stan Laurel Information Comes To Light

Orbit December 7, 2020 Comments Off on Disturbing New Charlie Chaplin-Stan Laurel Information Comes To Light2020-12-18T17:04:19-08:00
I don’t know how it started. Somewhere down in there I saw a description of a Stan Laurel movie from 1924 called West of Hot Dog. (more…)
Deputies initiate homicide investigation.

Cryptic Homicide Investigation May Involve Scary Egyptian Monster

Orbit November 10, 2020 Comments Off on Cryptic Homicide Investigation May Involve Scary Egyptian Monster2020-11-12T18:29:19-08:00
In the old days, a homicide was a big deal to a reporter. GREAT SHRIEKING DOGAHEADS they might have exclaimed (more…)
Barking man.

Barking Man Slapped Silly, Cutting Edge “Journalists” Baffled

Orbit October 9, 2020 Comments Off on Barking Man Slapped Silly, Cutting Edge “Journalists” Baffled2020-10-22T22:12:57-07:00
It’s one of the oldest truths in reporting: Dog Bites Man is not news, but Man Bites Dog is. It’s a who-bites-whom world out there. (more…)
The Mysterious Chelsea Clinton Howdy Doody connection.

The Mysterious Chelsea Clinton-Howdy Doody Connection Persists

Orbit October 1, 2020 Comments Off on The Mysterious Chelsea Clinton-Howdy Doody Connection Persists2020-11-17T15:26:35-08:00
Ah yes, this is your proverbial story that won’t go away, ongoing plastic surgery notwithstanding.  (more…)
Infant abandoned on doorstep.

DNA Analysis Shows Series Of Abandoned Infants Related To Each Other

Orbit April 17, 2020 Comments Off on DNA Analysis Shows Series Of Abandoned Infants Related To Each Other2020-08-18T20:21:08-07:00
How would you like to find a buried treasure in your back yard? You would, wouldn't you? (more…)

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  • Dispatches From Orbit (43)
  • News & Opinion (37)

Recent Posts

  • Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised
  • Mr. Beast’s Public Oral Fixation Is Ruining The Internet (With Graphs)
  • Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell
  • We Are Forced By Covidstances To Provide Terrible Customer Support
  • Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State
  • Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found
  • Dispatch: Bland Man Commits Bland Crime In Bland Place With Bland Weapon

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