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Dispatches From Orbit  Get Feed for Dispatches From Orbit

Group of hamsters.

Dispatch: Top Expert Says Eating Your Pets Might Not Be A Bad Thing

OrbitAugust 5, 20212021-08-11T10:23:00-07:00
Awhile back some woozy attention-starved celebrity said you’re going to have to eat your pets. Because of climate change or something. (more…)
Outgoing Cleveland Indians mascot.

Dispatch: Committee Of Frightened Hacks Chooses New Name For Cleveland Indians

Orbit July 24, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Committee Of Frightened Hacks Chooses New Name For Cleveland Indians2021-07-26T22:15:36-07:00
Some sports team names are politically incorrect, if you haven’t noticed. So the Cleveland Indians baseball team has been under pressure (more…)
Writhing mealworms.

Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event

Orbit July 10, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event2021-07-26T15:34:46-07:00
The UK Guardian is warning the public a giant swarm of voracious flying insects will attack the EURO 2020 event (more…)
Woman charged with hate crime.

Dispatch: Hate Crime Charge For Hateful NYC Hotel Hater Misses The Point

Orbit July 5, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Hate Crime Charge For Hateful NYC Hotel Hater Misses The Point2021-07-21T22:50:37-07:00
The granddaughter of Alfred E. Neuman thought a black kid stole her phone in a NYC hotel lobby. (more…)
What an NCAA player ad might look like.

Dispatch: NCAA Uses Magic Thinking To Prove New Rules Don’t Constitute Play-For-Pay

Orbit July 3, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: NCAA Uses Magic Thinking To Prove New Rules Don’t Constitute Play-For-Pay2021-07-26T18:17:19-07:00
Okay, maybe Magic Thinking isn’t the right term for it. It’s more like Amnesic Rationalization, a term we just made up. (more…)
Steven Jobs warned us about tech companies run by marketing people.

HATEMAIL: The Lying Weasels At Microsoft Are About To Screw Up Your World. Again.

Orbit June 6, 2021 Comments Off on HATEMAIL: The Lying Weasels At Microsoft Are About To Screw Up Your World. Again.2021-07-21T00:05:39-07:00
We try to avoid going fully profane in headlines so we softened what we wanted to say. What we really wanted to say was (more…)
Kim Jong Un, heartthrob.

Dispatch: Yeah, Well We Don’t Need Mullets In The United States, Either

Orbit May 28, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Yeah, Well We Don’t Need Mullets In The United States, Either2021-06-06T15:08:04-07:00
On May 20 of This Year Of Our Insanity, 2021, The Sun published a piece called "BLAST FROM THE PAST (more…)
Leatherface and Rambo Combo Plate.

Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised

Orbit May 13, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised2021-06-05T08:20:43-07:00
Maricopa County Arizona, where a struggle of biblical proportions between GOOD and EVIL continues on a daily basis. (more…)
Tasty tacos on a plate.

Dispatch: Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell

Orbit May 8, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell2021-06-05T00:08:20-07:00
Now you might find this fascinating, especially if you're already in a trance state, some dizzy broad in Schenectady (more…)
Wall mount dog hunting trophy.

Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State

Orbit April 8, 2021 Comments Off on Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State2021-05-14T08:22:38-07:00
Dog hunting season starts next Wednesday wherever the fuck you live, you assholes with the guns (more…)

News & Opinion  Get Feed for News & Opinion

Person wondering how to pronounce GIF.

New World Orbit Crew Settles GIF Pronunciation Debate With Ingenious Compromise

OrbitJuly 30, 20212021-08-10T23:07:03-07:00
You’re aware of the divide. Some people pronounce the acronym “GIF” with a soft G, as in “gerbil” or “gelatinous,” (more…)
Hells Angels president leading.

Abstract Left Decides It’s About Time The Hells Angels Join The 21st Century

Orbit July 18, 2021 Comments Off on Abstract Left Decides It’s About Time The Hells Angels Join The 21st Century2021-07-22T06:59:02-07:00
Uh oh. Trouble's abrewin' down in Equality Town. We have it on good information, a certain influential SJW (more…)
Useless "car hack," hang crap back of driver seat.

“Life Saving Hacks For Your Car” By People Who Have Never Seen A Car

Orbit July 13, 2021 Comments Off on “Life Saving Hacks For Your Car” By People Who Have Never Seen A Car2021-07-30T12:28:27-07:00
It doesn’t matter how we got there. We followed a clickbait link from a very low intellect “news” website, (more…)
Marquee with appearing now information.

Name Of The Next Huge One-Name Platinum Culture Hero Revealed!

Orbit July 7, 2021 Comments Off on Name Of The Next Huge One-Name Platinum Culture Hero Revealed!2021-07-21T15:34:28-07:00
Of course you're used to one-name stars. Madonna, Drake, Bono, Common. Some of the people, it's a given name, (more…)
Suspiciously happy looking guy maybe too normal.

Nope, Nothin’ Wrong With This Guy, Seems Completely Normal, What’s The Problem?

Orbit June 6, 2021 Comments Off on Nope, Nothin’ Wrong With This Guy, Seems Completely Normal, What’s The Problem?2021-07-18T00:28:24-07:00
This guy's photo was published by Fox 16 in some GOD forsaken place--holy shit, it was at the Arkansas Crater of Diamonds State Park. (more…)
Sucky-sucky device in action.

Shocking: Naïve Asian Women Duped Into Sucking On Small Vibrating Appliances

Orbit May 26, 2021 Comments Off on Shocking: Naïve Asian Women Duped Into Sucking On Small Vibrating Appliances2021-07-30T12:32:20-07:00
WAT??? That headline makes no fucking sense. And mind you, we wrote it. We don't know what the (more…)
Birds smuggled on airline flight in hair curlers.

Comedy Gold Narrowly Averted On Commercial Airline Flight

Orbit May 20, 2021 Comments Off on Comedy Gold Narrowly Averted On Commercial Airline Flight2021-06-03T11:17:34-07:00
What's the stupidest thing you can think of to smuggle? Try to think of it from the perspective of a person of low intelligence, (more…)
Mr. Beast seems surprised.

Mr. Beast’s Public Oral Fixation Is Ruining The Internet (With Graphs)

Orbit May 9, 2021 Comments Off on Mr. Beast’s Public Oral Fixation Is Ruining The Internet (With Graphs)2021-05-17T18:54:59-07:00
Who is Mr. Beast? We don't know and we don't want to know. All the energy we expend on this post will be focused on (more…)
Man, head in hand, experiencing despair.

We Are Forced By Covidstances To Provide Terrible Customer Support

Orbit April 16, 2021 Comments Off on We Are Forced By Covidstances To Provide Terrible Customer Support2021-05-22T18:36:28-07:00
Any company, governmental, or institutional office you call these days you get the same rambling, self-serving (more…)
Latter day Gutendex with indentured workers.

Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found

Orbit March 20, 2021 Comments Off on Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found2021-05-23T14:05:02-07:00
It’s now been confirmed the actual all-original first edition copy of Gutenberg’s Rolodex has been discovered (more…)

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Recent Posts

  • Dispatch: Top Expert Says Eating Your Pets Might Not Be A Bad Thing
  • New World Orbit Crew Settles GIF Pronunciation Debate With Ingenious Compromise
  • Dispatch: Committee Of Frightened Hacks Chooses New Name For Cleveland Indians
  • Abstract Left Decides It’s About Time The Hells Angels Join The 21st Century
  • “Life Saving Hacks For Your Car” By People Who Have Never Seen A Car
  • Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event
  • Name Of The Next Huge One-Name Platinum Culture Hero Revealed!

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