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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Top Expert Says Eating Your Pets Might Not Be A Bad Thing

Orbit August 5, 2021 Dispatch: Top Expert Says Eating Your Pets Might Not Be A Bad Thing2021-08-11T10:23:00-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Awhile back some woozy attention-starved celebrity said you’re going to have to eat your pets. Because of climate change or something. (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Committee Of Frightened Hacks Chooses New Name For Cleveland Indians

Orbit July 24, 2021 Dispatch: Committee Of Frightened Hacks Chooses New Name For Cleveland Indians2021-07-26T22:15:36-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Some sports team names are politically incorrect, if you haven’t noticed. So the Cleveland Indians baseball team has been under pressure (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event

Orbit July 10, 2021 Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event2021-07-26T15:34:46-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
The UK Guardian is warning the public a giant swarm of voracious flying insects will attack the EURO 2020 event (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Hate Crime Charge For Hateful NYC Hotel Hater Misses The Point

Orbit July 5, 2021 Dispatch: Hate Crime Charge For Hateful NYC Hotel Hater Misses The Point2021-07-21T22:50:37-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
The granddaughter of Alfred E. Neuman thought a black kid stole her phone in a NYC hotel lobby. (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: NCAA Uses Magic Thinking To Prove New Rules Don’t Constitute Play-For-Pay

Orbit July 3, 2021 Dispatch: NCAA Uses Magic Thinking To Prove New Rules Don’t Constitute Play-For-Pay2021-07-26T18:17:19-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Okay, maybe Magic Thinking isn’t the right term for it. It’s more like Amnesic Rationalization, a term we just made up. (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

HATEMAIL: The Lying Weasels At Microsoft Are About To Screw Up Your World. Again.

Orbit June 6, 2021 HATEMAIL: The Lying Weasels At Microsoft Are About To Screw Up Your World. Again.2021-07-21T00:05:39-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
We try to avoid going fully profane in headlines so we softened what we wanted to say. What we really wanted to say was (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Yeah, Well We Don’t Need Mullets In The United States, Either

Orbit May 28, 2021 Dispatch: Yeah, Well We Don’t Need Mullets In The United States, Either2021-06-06T15:08:04-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
On May 20 of This Year Of Our Insanity, 2021, The Sun published a piece called "BLAST FROM THE PAST (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised

Orbit May 13, 2021 Dispatch: Anti-Gang Task Force Finds Most BADASS Compact Murder System Ever Devised2021-06-05T08:20:43-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Maricopa County Arizona, where a struggle of biblical proportions between GOOD and EVIL continues on a daily basis. (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell

Orbit May 8, 2021 Dispatch: Mother of the Year Candidate Escapes Child Endangerment Charges At Taco Bell2021-06-05T00:08:20-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Now you might find this fascinating, especially if you're already in a trance state, some dizzy broad in Schenectady (more…)
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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State

Orbit April 8, 2021 Dispatch: Dog Hunting Season Opens 6:00 AM Wednesday In Your Screwed Up State2021-05-14T08:22:38-07:00 Dispatches From Orbit
Dog hunting season starts next Wednesday wherever the fuck you live, you assholes with the guns (more…)
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  • Dispatch: Top Expert Says Eating Your Pets Might Not Be A Bad Thing
  • New World Orbit Crew Settles GIF Pronunciation Debate With Ingenious Compromise
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  • Abstract Left Decides It’s About Time The Hells Angels Join The 21st Century
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  • Dispatch: Swarms Of Voracious Flying Insects To Attack Stupid Wembley Stadium Sports Event
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