bigfoot Dispatch From OrbitOkay, when it comes to cryptozoology, I’m definitely a Bigfoot man. You can fiddle around with notions of Dogmen or chupacabras, go ahead, see where that gets you. For my money, the real cryptid superhero is Bigfoot, call them what you will, Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman, would a Bigfoot by any other name smell like a skulking compost heap?

Now yesterday I came across a story at titled: “Flying Dinosaurs Sightings Are On The Rise in North Carolina.” I’d think, actually, that would be a cause for concern anyplace, but I’m not concerned. I know there are people everywhere managing to not get arrested even while practically berserk on booze and drugs. Yeah, I guess if you’d smithreened your mind for years it would be completely normal to hallucinate flying dinosaurs. Another day at the office.

Stuffed pterodactyl toy.You get one of those roided up flying squirrels near a Bigfoot . . .

I’ll make this a simple declarative sentence: I scoff at your pterodactyls, or pterosaurs or whatever the fuck you’ve decided to call them this month. (See what I did there?) You get one of those roided up flying squirrels near a Bigfoot he’s going to snatch it out of the air and chomp off its head, then chew theatrically whilst rolling his eyes and cackling. Evilly. Bigfoot is TOP of the food chain, BITCH!

Here’s a handy graph so you can see the states with the heaviest concentration of drug addled citizens at liberty. Just look at those states with nine or more sightings. California, duh, Utah (you know what kind of party animals they are) as well as Hawaii, brah. Texas? Woo, you get enough people scattered across a wasteland like Texas, yeah, plenty of people be seeing plenty of whack shit flying around. Pterodactyls? Oh HELL yes. Easy.

pterosaur sightings graphIt’s the purple states you don’t want to drive in, and maybe the dark blue. [Click that map and it’ll blow up so you can read it, then just click the back button to return here.] Matter of fact, you might want to stick to driving only in the white states to be on the safe side. Last thing you want to happen is find yourself driving on a long open highway next to some self-styled Hunter S. Thompson wannabe gone apeshit on ether, cocaine, and tequila swerving all over the road raving about giant bats. Especially if you’re a hitchhiker…

Maybe they need to know what animals other than cats and dogs look like.

I’m thinking maybe these people need some educating. Maybe they need to know what animals other than cats and dogs look like. I found a quiz online built to order. You can take the quiz over and over again until you get them all right. You could learn. This first one is the “Pawsome Quiz: Can You Name This Farm Animal?”

Alright, this might be considered remedial to some, but it’s a start. The first question they show photo of a cow and you pick whether it’s a cow or a zebra. The next couple are duck/swan, rooster/emu, and ox/pig. They just got stupider and stupider and I quit on question 15, llama or ostrich. In order to miss that one you have to know what neither of them looked like.

Okay, find your own damn quizzes. The pitch for the quiz above claimed that 93% of people couldn’t get all the questions correctly. If we considered, even for the briefest of moments that claim was accurate, I think we should maybe call the chemtrails in on our own position. Or maybe just huff some spray paint.

You want to see pterodactyls, you stick with me kid…

M. Nick

[Editor’s note: If you want to buy the stuffed pterodactyl doll, here’s a link. Nobody in Orbit profits.]