Dispatch From OrbitOkay, we’re back from hiatus again. We thought it was going to be smooth sailing, but then there’s a bunch of wackiness going on about a pandemic. You’da thought NASA would have left us up here where we were isolated from stupid shit happening flatside, but nooo. “Blah, blah, blah, errrrr, you go home.” No warning whatsoever. Drop everything and get out. It was like the Fall of Saigon here for a day. You want a description of what returning after an absence is like on board here, see—Terse Announcement.

BUY SHIT--LOTS OF IT.

Well, with an act like ours we’ve had to get out of town fast a number of times, if being in a tin can 200 miles from the surface constitutes “town.” Really it doesn’t, it’s just, like a broken metaphor, man. You know the thing.

No reasonable offer will be refused. Void where prohibited by law, duh.

Okay, so to celebrate our return we’re having a GIANT BLOWOUT SALE. ROCK BOTTOM prices on everything! No reasonable offer will be refused. Void where prohibited by law, duh. By the way, you should click the animated GIF to see the larger version–it’s excellent!

Just saw a sidebar link for a TED Talk: “Why Sitting Down Destroys You.” Roger Frampton something something, where “something” means there were a bunch of letters with no spaces, and we don’t give a shit how to find this guy anyway.

Frampton: Chairs are your enemy.Now, we don’t know who Roger Frampton is but by the name of his little lecture, we say FUCK Roger Frampton–and we were sitting down when we said it. Why should we care what some lavalier mic wearin’ asshole in his Starbucks best thinks about anything? We have no reason, so our advice to Roger is sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. The guy’s a fucking “fitness expert and male model,” for fuck’s sake! And what–he’s in his 20’s? What an asshole.

BIG SAVINGS TODAY ONLY GIANT HOMECOMING SALES EXTRAVAGANZA!

Gather the whole tribe around your shitty laptop SMEAR YOUR MIND ON THESE LOW LOW PRICES! You have NEVER seen deals like these because we’ve never MADE deals like these. THIS SOME UNPRECEDENTED SHIT, BOB. Don’t miss out. ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITIES. Don’t go home empty handed. Help yourself--you deserve it.

Ya know, that Frampton guy is wound waaay too fucking tight. “Chairs are your enemy.” WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. If sitting down was good enough for generations of my family (and a proud tradition it is) it’s good enough for this and future generations.

This is the SALES EVENT OF THE SUMMER. Whoa. Very exciting. WE’RE SLASHING PRICES. We’re GOING CRAZY. Don’t miss out. We’re almost out of time, we’re almost out of inventory, we’re almost out of brain cells. CALL IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES WIN A PRIZE!!!! Rack up the bonus points.

YOU COULD WIN A MILLION DOLLARS, somehow.

It could happen…

M. Nick

Acknowledgements and Attributions:

The Roger Frampton photo is from You Tube and a link is there to go see the video.