Dispatch: Bland Man Commits Bland Crime In Bland Place With Bland Weapon
You know, in the hell hole of journalism, there is the saying: “The picture is the story.” In this case, bland is the story. Lookit this fucking guy. What a schlub. What a non-entity. Okay, so it’s not really a photo of the perp, it’s our impression of what he looks like. And the actual subject of this story has nothing to do with the photo here.
Unless you’re looking directly at the guy, you can’t remember what he looks like.
This could be Pablo Picasso, or Joe Rogan, or it could be the guy who fixes your copier. The point is the guy is absolutely nondescript. We’ll put a link to the article at the bottom, but you don’t need to look. Unless you’re looking directly at the guy, you can’t remember what he looks like. What you will remember is Mr. Thumb here.
The featurelessness of the guy matches the “news event” he was involved with. He had an altercation with some woman in a car and spray painted her. Okay, he got some paint on her face and neck. Oh yeah, and the car. So they charged him with “assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, along with malicious damage to a motor vehicle.”
Don’t get me wrong, I hope she didn’t get any paint in her eye. That would be fucked up.
Dangerous weapon? All he did was get some paint on the woman, we’re not talking about Goldfinger here for fuck’s sake. Don’t get me wrong, I hope she didn’t get any paint in her eye. That would be fucked up. But those are not bland charges.
If you’re anything like me, and you’re not, you want to know what color the paint was. I’m not like the avant garde journalists at whatever fuckwit “news organization” published this idiocy, they don’t care about why ANY of it happened. What was the altercation about? Were there any witnesses? Was there any surveillance video available? Do you think the “news professionals” wondered about any of that? Nah, they don’t care about that kind of shit. Their job is to retype police reports. Or, HA, they probably just print them verbatim.
See, this is what real investigative journalism is about.
Up here in Orbit, our favorite theory is they were having a breakup because the woman had cheated on the guy and he was trying to paint a red letter A on her. See, this is what real investigative journalism is about. Now do you see why we wanted to know what color the paint was?
We have a feeling there’s a much larger story behind this headline.
****Take our word for it; it’s a waste of time to visit the “news story.”
****The Scarlet Letter book pictured is available at Amazon. Links to specific items on Amazon are huge and annoying and we’re not dealing with it. We also don’t have any relationship with Amazon. We picked this book because we liked the cover the best. Go to Amazon and punch in “The Scarlet Letter.”