Dispatch: Breaking News Bombshell, Secret Identity Of Q-Anon Finally Revealed
Hope you didn’t expect the big reveal to be in the lede, you’re going to have to click through to find out who he is. We promise, it’s in the next paragraph.
An unattributed report released today by an all star dream team of experts has confirmed the identity of Q-Anon as none other than entertainer Tim Dillon. Early details of an incipient investigation have been leaked to various outlets. The report was signed by each of the experts involved, and their signatures were then immediately redacted.
The conclusions of the short report are as follows:
DATELINE WASHINGTON, MOTHERFUCKER. ZP. (Zapruder Press)
“Everybody knows Q-Anon has started the disintegration of civilization. Well, it turns out this Q-Anon monster is totally Tim Dillon, swear to God.”
This photo was included in the report. It was either taken during one of his psychotic hate-filled rants, or he may have been doing stand-up comedy. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Crime lab technicians are trying to determine which this was.
A reliable unnamed source confirms the experts’ findings. “He was on most insiders’ short lists for Q, I think that’s fair to say. Plus the signs were all there. In fact, there’s an animated GIF of him someplace on this page flashing a secret white supremacist hand sign.”
As evidence of his secret identity mounts, Dillon is nowhere to be seen.
“I’m not saying he’s gone underground,” said Dr. Grievance Johnson, Director of Psychoneurotics at the revered GAG Institute, “but there is irrefutable scientific proof when someone is not answering or returning calls, that person is hiding out.” The director spat on the floor to emphasize his certainty.
In Washington and New York, everybody is on the lookout for Dillon.
“One of the most damning pieces of evidence so far is a photo of Dillon in Phil Spector-face taken on Halloween, several years ago,” he said. “We just have no idea what the fuck he thought he was doing.”
In Washington and New York, everybody is on the lookout for Dillon. Dr. Johnson suggested searchers should also keep an eye out for Phil Spector. “If you see Phil Spector walking around loose, it’s probably not Phil Spector since he’s in prison or dead or something. It’s possible it’s Dillon in Phil Spector-face. Or, “Dr. Johnson added,” it could just be someone else in Phil Spector-face.
“Of course,” Dr. Johnson said, “we’re not ruling out the possibility Phil Spector is actually Q-Anon.”
It will be interesting to find out what happens.