Dispatch From OrbitI happened across a video on youtube with the title: “Cirque du Soleil jump rope artist will blow your mind.” The mere concept of a “jump rope artist” makes my blood boil. I’m sorry (no I’m not) but skipping rope is not art; it’s conditioning. Doesn’t matter if you wear a stupid outfit or how much you dance around while doing it, it’s exercise. Period. Doesn’t matter how fancy you get with the moves, it doesn’t elevate exercise to art. It reminds me of those emotionally disturbed young female gymnasts flouncing around trailing streamers. Pure idiocy.

I don’t recall anything ever blowing my mind.

I’m trying to remember the last time my mind was blown. Hmm. I read an article about Neil deGrasshole’s profound thoughts and that was supposed to blow my mind, but I just came away  irritated. And now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t recall anything ever blowing my mind.

Okay, here’s a definition of what it means to blow someone’s mind: “To affect with intense emotion, such as amazement, excitement, or shock.” Wow. That happens to me enough as to be commonplace, and if that makes me a simpleton, so be it. I am absolutely astonished and violently outraged by nearly everything most people do.

But I’ve veered off the subject. The video we put in there of the jump rope “artist” runs almost three minutes. I made it less than 25 seconds. The music is horrible. It’s a stupefying act, in that I felt myself getting stupider every second that went by. I don’t understand why it’s even an act. I watch that and think, great rope jumper; who the fuck cares?

It’s the kind of thing children should be praised for, but if you’re an adult doing it for any other reason than exercise, forget about it. You’re an idiot. Speaking of which, there was a sidebar link from the jump rope artist video, to one of a kid playing drums. It’s called: “4th Grader Plays Wipeout.” You know, that ancient surf music tune. I hadn’t heard that tune for years but I could still remember the drum part. So, like an idiot I watched the video. No I didn’t. I watched it as long as I could stand it.

You might want to skip forward to about 1:44. It starts with a guy off screen who’s in love with his own voice droning on and on about something or other, it was impossible to pay attention to him.

Anyway, if you’re anything like me, if somebody puts up a video of a kid playing music you expect to have your mind blown, right? You expect they’re going to be as good as a seasoned adult and blow everybody away. Right? The last thing you’re going to expect is it’ll be lame. Right?

This is like nightmare fuel.

The only reason I added that video is because it’s so terrible. First the idiot droning on, and then, not only does the kid play like a fourth grader, the band is horrific. This is like nightmare fuel. In fact, somebody making a very low budget horror movie might want to look up that school band. That would make a hair-raising sound track.

And then maybe they can figure out a way to work the jump rope artist in there somewhere…

M. Nick