Dispatches From Orbit.Dog hunting season starts next Wednesday wherever the fuck you live, you assholes with the guns and disposable income. Oh wait, I think I’m starting off on the wrong trail head there, we probably need to soften the tone a stomp or two.

Dog hunting season starts Wednesday, so clean and oil those weapons.Dog hunting trophy. And yeah, you bow hunters, do what you do to get ready, restring your bow or whatever. Knife hunters out there? Track down animals and kill them with a knife? Can’t get any more primitive than that. Get out your whetstones.

Um, actually, never mind. I would not want to meet that individual.

Speaking of primitive, have we got any rock hunters? They have to beat their fucking quarry to death with a rock. Yeah, I want to meet the guy (or gal) who beats grizzly bears to death with a rock. Or Cape Buffaloes. Um, actually, never mind. I would not want to meet such an individual.

SATIRE ALERT! WARNING.Dog hunting season this year is pretty short, just three days. If you’re a dog hunter, you’re going to have to plan around that. Tuesday is the last day to get your license. Limit this year is three dogs. You can bag three, none younger than six months.

Now remember the rules. You can shoot any dog you see outside of a building. If you accidentally shoot a human, or if you hit them because they’re trying to shield the dog, they’ll take your license away. There’s no other penalty. But be careful: You can’t just shoot a human and claim you were aiming at a dog that got away. That’s against the rules.

Their dens are like a decapitated-dog park.Disembodied dog head floating, ears flapping.

Now you get some guys, they go for the big, flashy breeds, e.g. German Shepherds, Rottweilers. Most of them are trophy hunters. Their dens are like a decapitated-dog park. Other guys go for the little yappy ones, like me, for instance. I’m not going anywhere this dog hunting season. I’ll be sitting on my front porch with my AK across my lap, waiting for the old doll across the street to slip up, let that nasty little Pekingese out in the yard. Woo hoo. Be a little less yapping in the neighborhood…

Worried dog worrying.

We call those people DHINOs, Dog Hunters In Name Only.

Here’s a cautionary note: It’s an unfortunate fact there are some assholes out there who call themselves dog hunters, but they’re actually just shooting their own dogs. That shouldn’t count. If real dog hunters catch somebody doing that they should be driven from the pack. We call those people DHINOs, Dog Hunters In Name Only.

But don’t let that ruin your dog hunting season. Just follow the rules, don’t go over the limit, and you’ll be fine. Good hunting!

In an upcoming issue we’re going to bring you Dating Tips For Avid Cisgender Heterosexual Male Hunters, so keep an eye out for that.

M. Nick

Notes and Acknowledgments:

Before people start losing their minds over the fact the upcoming article is for cisgender heterosexual males, consider for a moment it happens everybody here in Orbit is a cisgender heterosexual male. How are we going to come up with dating tips for people who aren’t? That would be sort of presumptuous, wouldn’t it? And kinda stupid.

The abomination at the top of the page is called Taxidermy Dog Head and it’s by some guy named Rowland Ward. I was having trouble even looking at the page and I don’t know if he’s selling stuffed dog heads or he’s offering it as a service or what. I think there’s something wrong with people who do this kind of shit. If it’s a joke, however, dood, that is fucked up. Two thumbs up in that case.

The floating dog head GIF came from giphy.com with an attribution of “Source: google.com” You google it’s you find it’s on Imgur, Tenor, Makeagif, and YouTube. It’s all over the place. Anybody objects to us using it here, contact us through our Contact Us page.