A guy in Eugene threw some lighted fireworks at a woman he was having a dispute withU-Haul trucks on fire. in a U-Haul parking lot. Four U-Haul trucks caught fire and two of them were total losses. We came across this story on theDispatch From Orbit KEZI ABC News 9: “Man arrested after fire breaks out at U-Haul.” We don’t know from this report what the dispute was about or why the people were in the U-Haul parking lot. The U-Haul facility was apparently closed at the time.

Utterly mindless shit happens in the world all the time. The guy was in a car, the woman was outside the vehicle. When the guy threw the fireworks the woman dove for cover and there was a shower of sparks. As the trucks started to burn, both of them fled the scene.

Now you didn’t see that coming, did you? Neither did they.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “What? It’s pretty unlikely sparks are going to start a truck on fire.” And here’s your Hollywood plot twist: There was a guy under one of the U-Haul trucks. He was stealing gas. Guess what sparks and gasoline fumes did when they were introduced. They IGNITED. Yes HAHAHAH. As did the gas thief. He ran off with his clothes on fire.

U-Haul trucks on fire in Eugene.

Now you didn’t see that coming, did you? Neither did they. The cops were able to get the firework thrower’s license number from surveillance video, and before the fucking fire was even out arrested the guy at his address. They also found the woman who was the target of the fireworks, but she declined to have anything to do with the investigation. I wasn’t aware that was an option. I gotta remember that.

And in the meantime, the gas thief got away.

And all that’s why this is a “you-can’t-make-this-shit-up situation. A screenwriter could make it up but no film maker would want to use it because it’s too much of a coincidence, it would come across as contrived. And in the meantime, the gas thief got away. Boy, did he ever get burned on this deal, no pun intended. (Okay, it was, actually.) Anyway, since the cops don’t know who he was, and if he didn’t get burned too badly, he’s probably considering himself lucky. Even though he didn’t get away with any gas.

We hope the woman wasn’t a smoker.

Now if you want to see something really stupid, check out this 67 second video of an apparently mentally disadvantaged woman at a gas station putting gasoline into plastic bags and then in the trunk of her car. We hope the woman wasn’t a smoker. Because if she was, she turned her car into a smoker. And she was “it.”

We know you know better, but we have to remind you it’s illegal in every place we know of (and that includes our orbiter here) to put/carry gasoline in anything other than an approved container. The car this woman put a bag of gas into is a rolling bomb.

The genius with the fireworks was charged with reckless endangering and criminal mischief. And that’s just the criminal complaint. We’ll see what U-Haul wants to do with him. Whatever U-Haul wants to do, we’re pretty sure their insurance carrier will want to talk to the guy.

Yeah. He’s fucked.

M. Nick