Dispatches From Orbit logo.The granddaughter of Alfred E. Neuman thought a black kid stole her phone in a NYC hotel lobby.Alfred E. Neuman's grand daughter. She wasn’t letting him out of her sight until he proved the phone he had was his own. The kid tried to get away and the woman tackled him and held him down. Or something. Jezuz, it is really hard to pay attention to these fucking “news reports,” even when you’re reading them.

They’ve got her for assault, battery, and false imprisonment.

Alfred E. Neuman's grand daughter.Anyway, they’ve now charged the dumbass woman with a hate crime. What the fuck? They’ve got her for assault, battery, and false imprisonment. Why do they need to charge her with that? Did the woman wake up that morning and think? “I’m going to terrorize some black kid today.” No, probably not. In fact, that would be a hate crime.

I bet she would have done the same thing regardless of the kid’s race. Even if the kid was whatever her race is. What if she’s black? HAHAHAHAHA. Look at the photo; that woman could be any race.

Woo boy, you don’t want those photos getting out now do you?

People are crazy and they’re too invested in their devices. What sexting might look like on a cell phone.They have everything on their cell phones or tablets. What was going on here? That phone had all her phone numbers, all her personal information, including photos. Woo boy, you don’t want those photos getting out now do you? The drunken sexting with an illicit other could prove embarrassing. Think about the shit you have on your phone.

Here. We’ll tell you how to handle this.

What the woman saw was her life was being taken from her and if she let that kid out of her sight she was never going to see that phone again. Here. We’ll tell you how to handle this. You keep backups of your backups. You don’t put anything on those devices you wouldn’t want public. Then if somebody steals your phone, or, like the dumbass you are, you lose it, that’s all you lose. The phone.

Back ups are computing belt and suspenders.We remember a story about a guy who dropped his cell phone into a septic tank and dove in after it, an ill advised effort. He drowned. In sewage. This dimwit hate crime woman probably would have jumped in a cesspool after her phone without thinking.

Which is kind of the point. You can always get another phone. Unless you’re in jail or dead.

M. Nick


Notes and Attributions:

Update: We did not know what race the woman is when we wrote this. We’re subsequently found out she’s Puerto Rican.

Here’s the actual story at KFOR News.

We’re just speculating the perp here is Alfred E. Neuman’s granddaughter; we don’t know that for a fact.

And if you’re not getting it, the douchebag hipster with the suspenders and the belt symbolizes backing up your backups.