Dispatch: Mainstream News Targeting 2 to 4 Year Old Demographic With “Serial Pooper” Story
Yeah yeah, your mainstream (as in running sore) media is referring to the guy as a “serial pooper.”GOOD FUCKING LARD people, can we grow up here? Is this News for Toddlers? Can we call the guy what he is? He’s a serial SHITTER. And whoa, he’s not just any kind of serial shitter. Nope. He’s a specialist. He’s a serial CAR shitter.
Let’s look at this. If you’re anything like most people, and you are, you think somebody cutting a fart is funny. It’s just a fact of life anything to do with asses is funny. So we don’t understand why the people in Warren, Michigan don’t think a guy running around in the middle of the night shitting on things is funny.
Now this guy—this guy doesn’t shit on the car’s hood or top. Nah. That would be pretty easy to hose off. No, this guy actually opens the door and goes inside. Uh, “goes.” Now if that’s your car, that’s going to—no shit—fuck up your whole week. Whew. That car may never be the same. And all this is because the Warren car shitter is doing it wrong.
The right way to be a car shitter, a step by step procedure:
Step 1: Go to Taco Bell. Order two extra-spicy bean and fish burritos and a 72 oz. Doctor Pepper.
Step 2: Get it all down.
Step 3: Drive around until it’s dark.
Step 4: Stand on the hood of your enemy’s car. Drop trow as you squat.
Step 5: AAAND we have liftoff!
This is the benign way to “go.” Okay, because you had the extra spicy, there might be a slight discoloration in the paint. And that’s good because it will remind your enemy he’s an asshole. But it’s not ultimately malicious. Not like an inside job. An aggressive inside job, for months and maybe years, the inside of that car will smell like a taxidermy shop.
Now the police are asking for the public’s help, as they always do when “investigating” anything. It literally means police don’t have a clue.
Here’s a clue for ya: Lock your fucking car doors at night.
The story is on the WXYZ website: Warren police searching for serial pooper after multiple vehicles hit