Dispatch From OrbitThe headline is obvious click-bait: “Giant inflatable colon on display, today only, at Henry Ford West Bloomfield Hospital.” In fact, though, “inflatable” is a misnomer if it’s already inflated, like the one in the photo. Still, who wouldn’t click on that?

Take the kids, take the whole family. Take the service dog.

We’re talkin’ big fun here. And unfortunately, it’s only on display today until 2:00 PM. Giant Inflatable Colon On DisplayBetter get down there right away. Take the kids, take the whole family. Take the service dog. Your weird uncle would probably love it if he’s out on parole yet. Matter of fact, it would be a great place for a date! Especially a first date.

It’s a little like a tunnel of love and let’s just drag your mind right outta the gutter, young man. This is not a sexual reference, no way. It’s a matter of caring. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Caring and fun! Think of the selfies you could take. Who knows, you might even get to fifth base. The “likes” on your Facebook page would pile up like–well, I don’t want to say what.

First date At The Giant Colon DisplayThis display just makes us up here in Orbit long for a whole gastrointestinal amusement park. See how everything works from the inside. You’ll never look at another human the same way again.

You could stroll along through the urethra…

There used to be Disneyland commercials where some guy would win something, like the Super Bowl, and they ask him, “Now that you’ve won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?” I hope they ask badboy Nate Diaz what he’s going to do after he wins the UFC Welterweight Championship. I’d love to hear him say: “FUCK Disneyland, I’m going to Gastrointestinal World mutherfucker!!!” Nate’s famous for using that word in every situation.

You could stroll along through the urethra, a different kind of tunnel of love, Closing Time At The Giant Colon Exhibittake a dip in the stomach, a steaming hot springs of fake acids (all citrus) and then dive into the ball pit of the scrotum, except instead of a million little balls, there would be just two giant balls. Man, I don’t actually think that would be any fun and I think I’d skip that one. Seems like you could get injured.

But they didn’t have a full-on fun park at Henry Ford Hospital, it was just the lone exhibit, thanks to your mom. Now they have to take the whole thing down and you can pick her up. Don’t be late. Closing time for the exhibit is a bitch.

M. Nick