Wolf SpiderDispatch From OrbitI came across a story called: “NorCal man reportedly sets fire to apartment while trying to kill massive spider with lighter.” I’d been checking out the local stuff at SFGate. Apparently they got the story from The Redding Record Searchlight.

I imagined the futility of trying to set fire to a big spider with one of those little Bic lighters. But no. The story also referred to the lighter in question as a “torch lighter.” I wasn’t real sure what a torch lighter was so I did a GIS. I’ve added a photo of a typical torch lighter. These things are fucking blowtorches. Keep away from children. My guess is it’s probably helpful when you want to fire up your BBQ, but absolutely the wrong tool for pest control.

She said it was “a huge wolf spider,” as if to explain why they freaked out.

Wolf spider torch lighter.Now let’s take a look at the scene. Apparently two guys lived in an apartment. One of them has a caretaker, whatever that means. The caretaker seemed to be the spokesperson for the guys. She wasn’t asked and didn’t offer whether it was the guy she’s caretaking who went after the spider with a torch, or the other guy. She said it was “a huge wolf spider,” as if to explain why they freaked out.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of wolf spiders. Get a load of this video if you enjoy getting creeped out. I gotta warn you, you might not want to see this. It’s video of a wolf spider on a woman’s hand. The camera goes in close. The spider appeared to be hairy, or at least baroque, but when the woman touches the spider’s back, you see it isn’t hairy, it’s covered with tiny baby spiders all moving around. Nightmare fuel, proceed with caution.

Nightmare fuel, proceed with caution.

So the thing is, these are big ugly spiders and they’re scary, but it turns out they’re harmless to humans and want to avoid us as much as we want to avoid them. Some spider expert was quoted in one of the stories calling them “gentle.” Yeah, gentle spiders. Possible name for an indy rock band?

Okay, the scene was set, and now the action about to commence is pure comedy gold. Somehow, the spider appeared. One of the guys attacked it with the torch, catching the spider on fire. The spider raced across a mattress and then up a drapery, igniting everything it touched along with a “collection of flags.” Hmm. That’s curious. If you wanted to burn out your apartment nothing could be more helpful…

So the apartment burned. The fire department got it out in 20 minutes and prevented it from spreading to other apartments, but that apartment is gutted. The guys won’t be going back there. Probably ever. Burning out your apartment, yeah that’s going to cause some permanently ruffled feathers. And speaking of ruffled feathers, check out this 1:07 video of what it looks like when you get crossways with a huge spider. Be sure to watch to the end. I don’t think it’s a wolf spider, but it’s a big one.

Did the guys in Redding lose everything? Don’t know, wasn’t reported. But how’s this for a great attitude: The spokesperson for the guys reported they had been planning on moving out for some time and that the fire “just sped up the process.”

Is there any known connection between these guys and the Clinton Foundation?

Hillary and Huma don't know nuthin' 'bout no apartment fires.
Hillary and Huma don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no apartment fires.

I don’t know. There’s just something about this that bothers us up here in Orbit. Did these guys have renters’ insurance and a lot of audio equipment? Or maybe a bunch of computer and networking gear? Is there any known connection between these guys and the Clinton Foundation? It didn’t escape my attention the residents of the now burned out apartment were never named in the news stories.

Pretty sketchy…

M. Nick