Researchers Abuse GoatDispatch From OrbitAccording to a news story from Georgia, several men were sought and one apprehended after video emerged of them forcing cocaine and whiskey on a goat. What do you think was going on there? If you answered “a hot date,” the police would like a word with you. This story was reported by the Gwinnette Daily and the title was: “Goat available for adoption after men allegedly force-feed the animal cocaine, whiskey

They should be applauded for using a goat for the tests…

In fact, the police called it “aggravated cruelty to animals.” Okay, I can kind of see it how that might be the case. If I squint a little bit. I prefer to believe the ah – suspects – were conducting serious research into the negative health effects of cocaine and whiskey. They should be applauded for using a goat for the tests and not a human. Like themselves. Though to be sure, nothing in the news story indicated whether or not they were self-administering during the testing. Goats are fun!

The hapless researchers recorded video of this and passed it around and somebody squeeled, duh. The cops grabbed the goat and it was “transported safely” to an animal shelter. I suspect that means it was resisting arrest and they managed not to hurt it. The goat was thoroughly examined by a veterinary doctor. It was given “a clean bill of health.” Obviously, then, the results of this study show there are no negative health effects from ingesting cocaine and whiskey in combination. While struggling with a goat. Because you know those guys were wasted. How else do you come up with the idea of squandering that shit on a goat?

Now in a lot of these kinds of animal abuse stories, the animals involved did not belong to the perpetrators; the animal victims belonged to friends or neighbors. In this case, however, the goat in question belonged to the guy in custody. It’s difficult to make a case for that being better than when the victim belongs to someone else, but still, is seems less bad. In some small degree, anyway. I mean, it was his goat. Is this still America?

Hey, do you like to party and you’re thinking about getting a pet?

Goat Attack ResultSo the perp waived his rights to the goat and that’s why it’s up for adoption now. Hey, do you like to party and you’re thinking about getting a pet? Here’s an actual party animal you can have for free. You’d probably save that poor goat from a boring life keeping the weeds down on somebody’s half acre lot. Once a goat has traveled in the fast lane, it’s tough keepin’ ’em down on the farm. This is a goat that’s seen things. It’s experienced things most goats will never have the opportunity to experience.

Here’s my guess what happened: These chuckleheads got wasted and decided if they got the goat fucked up it would act funny. It would be a million laughs. What would you say to somebody who thought “They meant no harm. Look, the goat got a clean bill of health afterward. Whattaya want? Give them back the goat and leave them alone.”stern disapproving glare

First, you’d fix them with your sternest glare, then you’d tell them: “Ah – no. There has to be a limit. Quit recording video of this kind of shit.”

M. Nick