Family pet dog Fluffy.Awhile back some woozy attention-starved celebrity said you’re going to have to eat your pets. Because of climate change or something. Dispatches From Orbit logo.Oh, maybe racism, but probably global warming.

But not so fast. Dr. Florentine DiMaggio, a Fellow at the Pet Food Institute Internacionalmente weighs in: “The whole idea is stupid,” he said. “How many pets does anybody have? Okay, sure, you got your occasional cat lady has 80 fucking cats in a one bedroom apartment–you think she’s gettin’ her cleaning deposit back?” DiMaggio then punched a reporter and smashed his camera.

You’re going to run out of pets fast.Dr. Florentine DiMaggio

The fact is, most people will probably have, we’re going to guess–without doing an instant’s research–five pets or less. How long are you and your “partner” going to survive on a couple dog’s worth of meat? You’re going to run out of pets fast.

The solution is obvious: You need to start stockpiling pets. Go for the big ones. Big dogs and hey, if you have the yard for it, a horse or two. And yes, you probably want to get them in pairs so they can reproduce.

Woman enjoying her food.“These are home raised, Ruth. We do everything here.”

You can be creative. You don’t have to limit yourself to just dogs and cats.

“These hamsters are delicious, Betty. Where do you get them?”
“They’re home raised, Ruth. We do everything here. The kids feed them and then Bob slaughters them right on the kitchen counter.”

Pile of hamsters.“There’s nothing wrong with raising small animals for food.”

Dr. DiMaggio wanted to be clear. “There’s nothing wrong with raising small animals for food. People have been doing that for hundreds of years. And besides, you wanna try to live on that fucking government cheese?”

Up here in Orbit, we think that all sounds workable and we commend the efforts of Dr. DiMaggio and the Pet Food Institute Internacionalmente.

We’re going to leave you with a warning from Dr. DiMaggio. “If you decide to go that route, don’t let the kids give the animals names.”

Like we didn’t see that coming.

M. Nick

Notes and Acknowledgement:

The hamster GIF is chopped from a video by Funny Animal Videos:

If you want to see the whole 0.29 of the Pile of Hamsters here ya go.

And since you’re at that channel, don’t miss Running With White Horses, 1:01.