Dispatch From Orbit

Things seem to be getting a little out of hand in Washington Township, Ohio. You know, you take a simple situation, and with very little effort things can get really stupid. Take for instance this woman in Ohio with apparently too much time on her hands. Not that it’s restricted to Ohio; this kinda shit goes on all over the place.


Local law enforcement got tired of this batty woman calling 911 excessively. 79 times excessively between early November and January 6th. That’s the day they arrested her. 79 times. Why? That’s got to be the question on anybody’s mind. And we’d like to help you out but it’s a little complicated.

This story comes to us from the Dayton Daily News by way of KIRO 7 in Seattle, for some reason. We’re not using anybody’s name in this and we didn’t censor the woman’s photo; anybody sees her they’re going to know she’s crazy, internet confirmation or not.

Okay, you begin to see where this thing heads south.

The arrested woman’s fiance, the Daily News reported, said in January that “The calls started with their complaint to deputies about a neighbor. Then it turned into complaints about the deputies themselves.” Okay, you begin to see where this thing heads south. What could possibly go wrong from here and how could anybody decipher what it means?

Fortunately, NASA requires each of us up here in Orbit (except the guys in the engine room) to have an advanced degree in Applied Stupidology. That’s why we’re able to give incisive and penetrating analyses of events, personalities, and trends. When you come to an understanding that at the basis of every negative thing is The Stupid, that’s when you begin to see the Big Picture. And up here we have Big Picture Vision.

What do they think she is, a psychotic terrorist?

Crazy woman's boyfriend confusedNow the woman’s in jail on a $150,000 bond. Are you kidding? 150 GRAND? What do they think she is, a psychotic terrorist? [By the way, probably not a good name for your new Indy psychedelic reggae band – just sayin’] They can’t expect her to flee the country, she’s probably never been out of Ohio. What are they afraid of? More batshit insane calls to 911? Why don’t they just take her fucking phone away from her?

The boyfriend is kind of bewildered by the whole situation. According to the Daily News, the reason for the calls, he said, was “To try and get their attention really. To try and annoy them so much that they finally do their job.”

That. Right there that’s a basic misunderstanding of how things actually work. Up here in Orbit we call that stupidity. Any time you have a heap o’ stupidity, just ask yourself, “How could this have been avoided?”

The answer is always simple.

By the way, in case you’re wondering why the guys in the engine room up here don’t have degrees in Applied Stupidology, it’s because their degrees are in Theoretical Stupidology.

M. Nick