Dog suffering leotard silentlyI don’tDispatch From Orbit think anybody would argue with me that The End of the World Is Near once you find out what’s happening here. First, on Fox 61, seemingly a Connecticut station, there’s an article about The Shed Defender. What the fuck is a Shed Defender? It’s a leotard for dogs, a cloth body suit. The company’s website proclaims “Shed Defender® is intended to be worn in the house, car, or anywhere you don’t want dog hair, dirt, dander, and allergens.”

Come on, this is a joke, right? But no. That “just kill me now” look on the little dog’s face pretty much tells you what you need to know. This is wrong, it’s kind of like a crime against nature. And if that’s all there was to this it would be no different than any of the other crimes against nature you hear about every day and can’t do anything about.

Here’s where it goes wrong: “Easy to put on and take off. Easy unzip for potty breaks.” Easy, yes, that was my first thought. The Shed Defender website even has a 1:51 long video of a guy putting one of these things on a Saint Bernard, and yes, it looks easy when you see this guy do it. A Saint Bernard is a big dog and this guy is a big guy. The dog is absolutely passive about the whole series of events. But of course all of the dogs in the advertising for this product are trained dog actors. These are not ordinary dogs and ordinary dogs are not going to like this shit.

And that claim “Easy unzip for potty breaks,” is absurd.

I’d like to see how that guy or anybody else would do getting our dog into one of those things. My wife and I have a high strung 30 pound terrier mix and he would not like having that thing put on him. And it wouldn’t be long before he started tearing it off. I’m guessing lots of dogs would react the same way. I can’t even get the dog’s sweater on him, he gets too weird, something about having the alpha male looming over him from behind and reaching around his body. My wife has to put the thing on him. And that claim “Easy unzip for potty breaks,” is absurd. I don’t like reaching down there on the dog anyway, and I’m going to have to unzip him so he can pee? Here’s a 42 second video.

Video: Shitty repetitive mindless music alert!!! No narration, keep the sound off.

Ridiculous. Besides the dog is just going to pee through the material, dogs don’t care. And what about when he needs to take a dump? Oh boy, that could turn into a monstrous disaster.

dog afflicted by heinous clashing outfit.
Animal cruelty at its worst.

And in another story from Fox 61, police in Bellevue Washington picked up a stray dog. The dog had no tags or ID, not even a medical pot card. Police described the dog as “angry.” Probably because someone put blue pants and a green, white, and — mauve? — shirt on it. This is just clear-cut animal cruelty putting a poor defenseless animal into a heinous outfit like that. Police are trying to locate the owner of the dog, but whatever the heck was going on here it’s not surprising the owner isn’t coming forward. The police would probably do well to ascertain if that might be a seeing eye dog.

Who else would have put that outfit on a dog unless it was a blind person?

M. Nick