Dispatch: Local Mail Carrier Hailed As Hero By Area Residents In PA Town
It’s no shocker to us up here in Orbit, but they caught another mail carrier throwing away mail. The Feds raided the guy’s house in Pennsylvania and found a metric shit-ton of apparently undelivered mail, trash bags of it.
BUT, oh boy is this ever me. Totally me. I mean, not literally, I’m not the guy in the news story. But this is totally how I’d end up if I were a mail carrier. I don’t think it would take all that long either.
Hiking through neighborhoods carrying a heavy bag loses a lot of its appeal.
Here’s the thing: As a mailman, I would consider one of my first duties was to drink heavily, you know to stave off the depression of realizing I’m in a dead-end civil service job. And you know how it is, when you’re drinking heavily, you don’t have a lot of energy. Hiking through neighborhoods carrying a heavy bag loses a lot of its appeal. You just don’t have the stamina these young, go-getter postal employees have.
Plus, when you’re drinking heavily, you get a little off-balance and woozy. Walking all over a neighborhood carrying a heavy bag is a kind of health hazard. You have to put safety first, and your own personal health and well-being is paramount. You don’t want to take any chances.
Actually, this mail carrier was probably doing a lot of people a favor. It’s a proven scientific fact that 95% of snail mail is junk, which this graph shows. Everybody knows this, we don’t have to waste time counting a bunch of shit. We believe truth over facts. Or something.
That’s where it’s all going to end up anyway, amirite?
Look at the series of trash bags. We don’t know the details*, but we’d guess the guy created a perfect system for himself. He’d go into the Post Office in the morning, pick up the mail, take it home and put it into trash bags. The garbage truck would take it away. No fuss, no muss. That’s where it’s all going to end up anyway, amirite?
So instead of a five year stretch in the federal pen, this guy should be getting a medal. Everybody’s got email now. Nobody needs this paper shit anymore.
Save the trees.
*We don’t know what the guy was doing or any of the details because we didn’t really read the article. Too much work. We just read the headline and glanced at the photos. Just like real journalists. And just like real journalists, we just made up that graph without doing any research.