Dispatch From OrbitA Deltona Florida resident herded her family into a minivan and took off for South Carolina. She didn’t get very far before back pain caused her to stop some place on Deltona Boulevard and do some smack. I mean, you know how that is. Say, didn’t Van Morrison do a ballad called Deltona Boulevard, uh, a tune about scoring black tar heroin or something? Anyway, they hadn’t even gotten out of Deltona yet. Lotta back pain, apparently.

She pulled over and then passed out.

According to a story on News Journal Online, once they got on the road, unsurprisingly, she started feeling woozy. She pulled over and then passed out. There she was on the side of Interstate 4, unconscious, the van running, with her 12 year old daughter, and two siblings, age one and seven, and a couple of dogs aboard. They couldn’t get mom to wake up. The 12-year-old called 911.

Heroin Mom ODResponding Deputies had to revive the mom with Narcan. Once revived it was like they couldn’t shut her up. She told them she had back pain and since they were on their way to South Carolina, she decided to stop at “a house” in Deltona for heroin. I mean, what do you use for back pain?

It’s pretty obvious to us up here in Orbit, where this woman slipped up was not buying enough heroin for the kids. If she had, they wouldn’t have been awake to make the call to emergency. They’d all just have had a safe and refreshing nap on the side of the road.

Maybe heroin for the kids was a bad idea.

Oh, but that’s right, the mom had to be revived with Narcan. The kids might not have snapped out of it as readily as the mom. Okay, then. Maybe heroin for the kids was a bad idea.

Heroin CommercialAnd in fact, the heroin probably wasn’t a good idea for the mom. While the kids got an unscheduled trip to grandma’s house and the dogs landed in the pound, mom was taken to a hospital pending arrest or booking or something. [By the way, the animation here is clipped from an excellent Heroin A.M. commercial. You can see the whole thing on youtube. It’s the non-drowsy formula.]

But we want credit for the first appearance anywhere of this sentence: “Maybe heroin for the kids was a bad idea.”

M. Nick