Bullet Holes In AlbuquerqueSomebody shot up a couple cars in Albuquerque in a neighborhood behind a Home Depot. No Home Depot spokesperson commented. We don’t care where it happened but it was near Coors and I-40, if that tells you anything. The KOB 4 story online said police were investigating. Probably waiting for the boys from the crime lab.

“Cars full of bullet holes! And the holes are this big around,” said a neighbor we’ll call Mrs. Potato. We’re not going to use her real name because she doesn’t come off well in this story; the way they quoted her made her sound like an imbecile. In the video the “holes are this big around” was spoken off screen, so you could only tell how big those holes were by seeing them in the video. Who’s in charge of this shit?

“Vehicles littered with bullet holes in NW Albuquerque”Dispatch From Orbit

That was the actual KOB headline. We’ve noticed this phenomenon with people who write internet content. You can tell they’ve read a fair amount in their time, but they haven’t read carefully and they don’t give a shit what they’re reading. We’re going to have to start keeping a file of this sort of thing.

Guy Shooting Rapid FireThe writer of that headline had apparently read the phrase “riddled with bullet holes,” couldn’t remember the word “riddled” (and probably didn’t understand its meaning anyway) and came up with “littered.” No doubt because it sounded similar even though using it in this context probably makes you feel as uncomfortable as it does us up here in Orbit.

We’re not blaming Ryan Laughlin, the guy with the byline on this — necessarily. When I wrote for a newspaper, editors wrote all the headlines. Those editors have some sort of mystical sense of how to write headlines; they never chose to use mine. And oh boy, did they ever love puns…

Somebody has to write the psycho-drivel those guys parrot.

So, HAHAHA, yeah, maybe it was an editor, not Ryan who wrote that headline. Yeah, as if there was anyone qualified to be an editor at any of these TV stations or their websites. Ryan is the on-air guy standing around in a hallway at KOB. I don’t know how this works with TV. Somebody has to write the psycho-drivel those guys parrot. It’s doubtful Ryan actually wrote the story, he just “reported” it. He’s “the talent.” He’s undoubtedly reading from a teleprompter.

Everybody knows the main objective of the media is to keep everybody scared out of their wits all the time anywhere. Mrs Potato, obviously a team player, was on board. “It’s happening in every neighborhood. That’s the bad part,” she said. Imagine that: Every neighborhood.

In other words, remain in your homes, people. Take it from Mrs. Potato and get yourself some body armor.

M. Nick