Dispatch From OrbitWe just want to get past this part as quickly as possible. Yes, we’ve been on hiatus for quite some time, but we’re back now to explain what the hell is going on around you, because you are clearly not up to figuring it out yourself.

You should have seen us when we arrived. Came in the door stomping our feet, clapping our hands together, hacking and coughing. Everything in the place was covered with dust. We had to open a window and use Dusters, or cans of compressed air to blow the shit out of here. It’s livable now as it ever was, which is to say — barely. Most of us got on board safely, but there were some casualties.

Colonet Mundt Addresses Boarding Mistakes

Oh well. It’s a grind up here but somebody’s got to do it. Day in, day out, turning lazy circles over the vast flat plane of this world, we’re here for you. You’ve got questions, you don’t know where the answers are — we got your back.

Bloodstains on the whiteboard; Colonel Mundt addresses boarding mistakes:

Just having returned, not even comfortable in the saddle yet, we don’t have much to say. So here’s an eight hour video of a cabin in the mountains during a blizzard. VOLUME WARNING! And that’s right, it’s eight hours and eight minutes. One camera, fixed position. The wind is intense and horizontal. You wonder how the cabin remains standing. You wonder where the camera recording it is; no snow accumulates on the lens.

…we aired out the place.

Anyway, that’s how it was in here briefly while we aired the place out. Now everything’s stable, and per policy, NASA has all the windows on this tin can blocked with cardboard. We can’t see anything. Makes you wonder why they have us up here. This crate might as well be in a swimming pool in Riverside. They’re using us like lab rats, see what happens when you get a group of people isolated like we are. We have nothing to see but the internet. But it’s also why we’re so good at the internet.

And you thought you had it bad in your mom’s basement…

M. Nick