Breaking Planetary News: The Gutenberg Rolodex Has Been Found
It’s now been confirmed the actual all-original first edition copy of Gutenberg’s Rolodex has been discovered in an Italian cave. Speculation is the original GutenDex, as experts are now calling it, was moved to the cave during the Middle Ages to protect it.
Protect it from whom, you wonder?
Protect it from whom, you wonder? After a hundred years or so none of the phone numbers were going to be any good. Who’d want it? In fact, after about 1800, if you called any of those numbers you wouldn’t even have gotten an out-of-service message. Just nothing would’a happened.
Here’s another annoyance: The bastards are holding back the first photos. NASA, for some fucking reason, probably the same reason Bill Gates is all of a sudden an infectious disease expert, is spearheading the excavation of the antiquity. An unnamed but trusted source has told us it looks like “a pile of rusty metal rods and shit.” So at least we have that to go on.
“Turned a corner, in our thinking, Professor Zardov did…”
Eventual rediscovery of the device has been predicted for centuries by Science luminaries such as Max Planc, Alfred Neuman, and Bill Nye. The discovery, Thursday or whenever it was, “Turned a corner, in our thinking, Professor Zardov did,” he said, referring to no one involved in the story. When pressed, he could add no details.
What we’re concerned with is our interpretation of what happened.
We were also unable to determine who “he” refers to in the preceding paragraph, but we like how that paragraph turned out so we’re keeping it. It doesn’t matter what the fuck happened, we’re not concerned with that now. What we’re concerned with is our interpretation of what happened.
And we don’t think anything happened. As far as this ancient Rolodex [Ed. note: We don’t know if the Rolodex trademark is retroactive so we’re claiming common knowledge or whatever that thing is called.] goes–
Fuck it. This is arduous. I‘m not doing any more today.