Super Bowl Show Money-ShotThis is from an RT online report. RT is Russia Today, I think, without lifting a finger to verify that claim. What difference does it make. All mainstream “news” is propaganda and who you believe depends on who you want to believe.

RT reports a “Christian activist” wants to sue for $867 trillion over the Superbowl halftime show. They quoted her as saying: “I tuned in to watch football, not porn.”

It’s for this kind of situation I always have a Texas Instruments calculator strapped to my thigh with duct tape. I thought: “You know, 867 trillion dollars is a lot of fucking dollars.” I decided to figure out how much each American would get if they split that award up evenly. Every American was diminished by that depraved halftime show, after all, and so everybody deserves a cut of the proceeds.

That’s 867 followed by 12 zeros.

I’m not really a math guy, but I can handle this. First I hadda find out how many zeros there are in 1 trillion. (Sorry, no zillion.) Internet say: 12. Okay then. That’s 867 followed by Super Bowl Shakira Tongue Action12 zeros. Then what’s the population of the US? I’m thinkin’ 320 million but I’d just be pulling that outta my ass. So I looked it up. About 330 million was the first figure I saw and I’m going with that. Yeah sure there’s supposed to be kaseventy kabillion illegal Martians lurking around, but FUCK that, we’re not counting them. And fuck them anyway, they’re not getting any of this money.

[Note: Because I actually did the calculation before looking up the population, I used 320 million. So that other 10 million people are just going to have to fuck off.]

Now you split up 867 trillion dollars into 320 million windfall checks to Americans, and each man, woman, alright–whatever–per person it comes out to KA-CHING!!! $2,709,375. Whoa. That is some serious money, Jim. Check this out – a family of five would get $13,546,875. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

If this is happening I gotta start adopting some kids, dammit.

Holy cow. If this is happening I gotta start adopting some kids, dammit. I wonder if you have to have them for a certain period of time to qualify? See, we don’t know the fine details of an important deal like this. What we need is some brainy entrepreneur to do an infomercial offering a booklet (and tapes) on How YOU Can CASH IN BIG in the BIG ANTI-PORN CHRISTIAN ACTIVIST CASH GIVEAWAY!!!!!.

You know, like how many can you adopt, how long do you have to keep them, when do we get the checks, shit like that. Regular people don’t know about that kinda stuff, you need an entrepreneur to explain it to you.

That's not obscene. THIS is obscene.Yeah, don’t you just hate having your eyes molested?

Here’s some comedy gold for you, a quote from the RT story: “I do not subscribe to The Playboy Channel, we do not buy porn for $20 a flick, we simply wanted to sit down as a family and watch the Super Bowl,” one complaint read. “God forbid we expected to watch football and a quick concert but instead had our eyes molested.”

Yeah, don’t you just hate having your eyes molested? I know I do. What I don’t know is what “God forbid we expected…” is supposed to mean. Obviously God did not forbid it because she saw it.

It’s interesting to note she knows a price for porn. I am not a Christian Activist and I couldn’t tell you how much porn costs in any format. As far as I’m concerned all the porn you want is available for free on the internet. Didn’t you ever do a google image search for “hot naked women?” But that’s just me. I guess if you’re into a little bit more specific stuff you’d probably have to pay. Maybe that lady is into midget porn. Let’s google “midget porn.” OH FUCK NO. NO do not do that. Yikes. Ewww. Can’t unsee that, so be warned.

For 11 or 12 minutes actual playing time spread out over four fucking hours.Marching band disaster

I personally did not watch the super bowl. What do I care who wins that shit? You got two armies of brain-damaged mutant steroid freaks trying to kill each other. For 11 or 12 minutes actual playing time spread out over four fucking hours. And before anybody accuses me of being politically incorrect for using the phrase “brain-damaged,” may I just invoke CTE?

But even if I did watch the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t watch the half-time show. Jezuz, glorified marching band nonsense, and I hate marching bands. And yes, I think marching bands are stupid. Fuck–play music or march, but why do them together? Pure idiocy.

You know, haha, some people call the Super Bowl the “Superb Owl.” Haha. See, same letters, the space is just in a different place, haha. That’s funny.

M. Nick