Smuggling is against the law per this sign.What’s the stupidest thing you can think of to smuggle? Try to think of it from the perspective of a person of low intelligence, no education, no prospects, and a history of problems with the law. What’s a person like that going to do to make a “big score?” A deal that could put this person on Easy Street, at least for a while. What do you think this guy would come up with?

You get the Bird because the only way you saw that coming was to cheat.

If you answered “hide exotic songbirds in your clothing and smuggle them into the US on an airline flight” we’ll give you the Golden Bird: You get the Bird because the only way you saw that coming was to cheat. But you’d be right in the case of some guy from Guyana they arrested.

What we want to know up here in Orbit is, what about mites?Smuggler had live birds hidden on his person.

Feature this: The guy had 35 of these LIVE birds jammed in hair-curlers, I guess inside his clown suit. What else would cover all that shit? What we want to know is–what about mites? Birds have mites, and especially wild birds have mites. Didn’t that guy start itching? The flight was FIVE HOURS for fuck’s sake.

Poor bird in hair curler for smuggling.We’re surprised he wasn’t driven immediately insane by biting mites and fleas and ticks and run huffing to the restroom. There he would release the birds into the restroom only, and then using the curlers give himself a fancy do.

Restless, shifting around in their seats, craning their necks.

Now, all those birds loose in a small space like an airliner restroom, they’re going to be agitated. And noisy. They’re going to want out. The people around that restroom are going to become uneasy. Restless, shifting around in their seats, craning their necks.

They got CCTV on airliners, don’t they? They must.

When the guy opened the restroom door, it would have been a foghorn of chaos barreling down the fuselage, People fighting off attacking birds.everything instantly insane. They got CCTV on airliners, don’t they? They must. We missed a horrific scene of unparalleled chaos AND a VERITABLE LAFF RIOT!!!!

That’s what should have happened. But, it’s probably for the best it didn’t. There would undoubtedly have been injuries. And the birds probably wouldn’t have fared well.

Yeah. Probably for the best.

M. Nick

Notes and Attributions:

The photos of the perp and bird are attributed to the US Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of New York.

All of us up here in Orbit would like to see that smuggler strapped into a straight-jacket and locked in a sauna for about eight hours, see how he likes it. We believe people should leave fucking wild animals alone. FUCK your zoos, FUCK your safaris. BAN that shit. There’s video online of every fucking animal in existence. You don’t need to kidnap elephants and tigers from another continent just so loser dads with custody have someplace to take their kids so they won’t have to talk about anything of substance.