Blood spatters at scene.It’s not a fucking job I’d want, that’s for sure, but somebody has to do it. I mean, they have to figure out if dead people were murdered or not, right? And the guy who ultimately makes the determination for cause of death is typically a medical examiner or coroner. At least that’s my impression of the procedure without ever doing any research. Research is hard work and I always try to avoid expending effort on anything, let alone anything hard; I’m content with speculation and surmise.

So a woman in Gwinnette County, Georgia went to see if her brother was all right after he failed to answer repeated phone calls. She’d dropped him off at his house 24 hours earlier. He was drunk at that point. So she headed to his place, went in and found him lying on the floor. Dead. Now it gets interesting: There was blood on the floor and the wall. She called 911 and various authorities descended on the scene.

Sounds like a lot of blood.

This is from a story on the Gwinnett Keystone CopsDaily Post website: The police found “a ‘large amount’ of blood on the bed and underneath [the dead guy] as well as on bathroom walls and the shower curtain.” Sounds like a lot of blood. As you might expect, the police thought this “seemed suspicious.” They secured the scene and waited for the Medical Examiner’s investigator. The homicide cops weren’t interested in putting in an appearance.

Meanwhile, the patrol cops on the scene learned from the sister the dead guy had high blood pressure, liver problems, and hepatitis C. Hope those fucking cops were wearing rubber gloves. So, while all the blood “seemed suspicious” to them, they weren’t sure “if the blood was related to [the dead guy’s] medical conditions or a crime.”

Whoa. The guy looks like he was the guest of honor at a Manson Family Bar Mitzvah and they think the bloodbath might be the result of high blood pressure, liver problems, and hepatitis C? You gotta be kidding me. Okay, I don’t really know anything about hepatitis C except – people walk around with it. Seems like the only way those conditions could cause blood all over the place would be if the guy’d been shitting or barfing it, and whichever of those routes it was taking, it would be pretty obvious what happened.

Modern Day Keystone Cops

However, the Medical Examiner’s investigator determined the guy died of natural causes. Ay yi yi yi yi. This is some looney toon shit. They released the body to a funeral home. And here’s where the hero of the story comes in. The title of the story in the Post was: “Death being treated as a homicide after funeral home employees notice ‘suspicious injuries’ on man’s neck.” Well now. “Suspicious injuries.” Yeah, turns out those injuries are called stab wounds.

Wow. That’s some fine police work there, investigator.