I caught this on the “Midcoast Edition” of the Bangor Daily News online. This is one of those news stories made unnecessary by its headline: “Mainer attacked by rabid raccoon drowns it in puddle.

viscious raccoon attacks Mailer
What a raccoon in the wild might look like…

Is there anything further we need to know about the situation? No. We can tell from the header this is not in our neighborhood. We’re not even in Maine. There are no rabid raccoon attacks in our area. We don’t give a shit about raccoons, rabid or not, so we’d only read the article looking for laughs. In that light, you can’t pass up a story with “attacked,” “rabid raccoon,” and “drowns” in the headline.

Except, after a couple lines of text, the story blanked out and I was presented with a survey form. To continue reading I had to give them information. Answer stupid questions about useless shit I’m not interested in. Generally, if I don’t just exit a page when I see a survey, I’ll go down until the last choice on the survey is “skip this survey.” But I have to want to see what’s in the story. This time, nah, not worth the effort.

From the couple sentences we can see, we learn the victim of the attack was a 21 year old woman whose home is in a town called Hope. As in “Hope you can murder that fucking raccoon before it gives you rabies.” AHAHAHA. Never a stick around when you need one. Holy shit, you gotta kill an animal, you hope for a more convenient method than drowning it.

“you make it go away, you’re home free. Leave the area. Let the next asshole deal with it.”

Now personally I like a stick for this kind of work. You just need to stop the attack. If you haven’t already been bitten or scratched, and you make it go away, you’re home free. Leave the area. Let the next asshole deal with it. Unless it’s already wounded you, in which case you need to kill it to confirm whether it had rabies or not. You’ll want a shovel for that and yes, you have to track it down.

You know, you couldn’t get away with a discussion like this in an urban news story. People would get upset and jittery. There’s violence involved in this story. Death. But apparently these “Mainers” (I had no idea that’s what people from Maine are called) are built of sterner stuff. We could find out just how much sterner the stuff they’re made of is, if we actually read the news story. Who is this girl? What is her life like? We won’t find out, though, because the Midcoast Edition of the Bangor Daily News requires information from us. Well FUCK the Midcoast Edition. I’ll stick with the mothership of the Bangor Daily News.

We just hope she wasn’t out looking to score some smack.

Doesn’t make any difference anyway. These stories are all the same. She’s a nursing student, or she goes to the local seminary, or she’s a go-go dancer, hey, that’s honest work too. We just hope she wasn’t out looking to score some smack. Now in an urban setting, to get drugs you sometimes have to go to dangerous areas known as “bad areas.” In a place like Maine near a town called Hope, a “bad area” presents a different set of dangers. One of those is being attacked by a rabid raccoon. You could go down the list of other animals that might attack you whether they have rabies or not; bear, wolf, mountain lion, badger, wolverine, rattlesnake, oh, or pot farmer. Or a skunk.

“You’re guaranteed to get scratched up and probably bitten…”

By the way, I don’t know if they have all of the aforementioned animals in Maine, but you know for certain they have some of them. And girlfriend here is for sure glad she didn’t have to drown any of those other animals in a puddle. You’re guaranteed to get scratched up and probably bitten drowning a 25 pound raccoon; try that shit with a 300 pound bear!

Check out this dreadful and imbecilic video “news story” from CNN, this your cutting edge journalism here, folks, complete with dirt-grade CGI effects. It’s actually embarrassing  adults produced it.

Now, for those of you who are keeping score at home, here’s the first big “however,” of this report: However, there is a real danger of rabid animals in that part of Maine right now. I’ve never been to Maine, so I don’t know what part we’re talking about. I looked it up on google maps and it just looks like a vast wilderness area with squiggly roads going through, and at every crossroads a little serial killer town.

This non-newsworthy “news” story actually turns out to be news. If you’re in Maine, that is. And in that specific part of Maine, in fact. But we present this report as a public service to the many people who follow us from Maine. Beware of crazily aggressive animals possibly foaming at the mouth.

You’ve been warned.

M. Nick