Man barking. No other way to put it, really.

It’s one of the oldest truths in reporting: Dog Bites Man is not news, but Man Bites Dog is. It’s a who-bites-whom world out there. How many times do we get a story that involves a barking man? Not too often and it’s even less common than men biting dogs. Stories involving barking men are pretty fucking rare. Actually, there are probably many more instances of men barking that don’t make it into the news. But when they do, it’s an occasion for a crackerjack news report.

Where is Brunswick? We don’t know and it doesn’t matter.

Regardless of the type of story, mainstream journalism will find a way to miss the point. This Brunswick incident is a perfect example. By the way where is Brunswick? We don’t know and it doesn’t matter. It’s some average hellhole somewhere you don’t care about unless you live there, God forbid. To us it’s just someplace on the internet.

The Press Herald reports that on October 6 a man walking on a Brunswick city street slapped some asshole who was barking at him. From the story: “At around 1 PM [the assailant] was walking by the alleged victim, a 52-year-old man who [the assailant] told police barked at him, according to” the patrol commander. [We’re not giving his name here, he doesn’t need to be connected with this.]

Now, what’s the question any sentient being would have: WHY was the asshole barking at the man who assailed him? Well, we don’t know because the lazy shits at whatever useless publication it was reporting this, didn’t bother to find out. Here’s the cutting-edge journalism answer to every question: “The police report has everything you need.”

Police did not divulge why the man was barking…”

What did the cops say? “Police did not divulge why the man was barking, or why [the assailant] allegedly responded in the way he did.” Boom, end of “news story.” Finished. Certainly don’t interview anyone. Don’t go to the place, find witnesses. Talk to the fucking victim? Nah. Just glance over the police report.

The wording in the story, “did not divulge,” leads us to believe the cops know why the asshole was barking, but it’s a secret. They’re not telling anybody. Ha ha, fuck you.

Men don’t bark for food, or abandonment, or to raise an alarm.Attack dog attacking.

You may have noticed we’ve been calling the barking man an asshole from square one. Why? Can you think of an instance where an adult male human is barking and isn’t being an asshole? No. Of course you can’t. Men don’t bark for food, or abandonment, or to raise an alarm. They bark because they’re assholes being obnoxious.

And the cops also couldn’t tell us why the assailant slapped that barking asshole. WELL THEY DON’T NEED TO, DO THEY? No, he slapped that guy because FUCK that guy.

So the assailant is in Class D Misdemeanor level trouble. And because the Press Herald did not report on it either way, we can only assume the barking asshole was not charged with anything.

No three strikes, no time off for good behavior.

Man in the dogpound now.Here’s what the crew up here in Orbit thinks: Anybody who’s barking and not wearing a leash should get thrown into the dog pound. No three strikes, no time off for good behavior. They got to wait to get out until somebody adopts them.

If law enforcement would take this stance, we wouldn’t have people barking at each other. If the  law lets us down, what will we have? Barking chaos, that’s what.

Write to your halfwit Congress-thing.

M. Nick

Acknowledgments and attributions:

Actually, that guy in the dog pound is a veterinarian making a scared stray dog comfortable with being fed and being around humans. This guy is a sweetheart. You should watch this video and make a donation. And the dog is a sweetheart too.

The guy in the Barking Man video embedded here is Ray, a very cool guy demonstrating what charging dogs sound like. The animated GIF up there is Ray shot in Jan, 2019, years after the original video, demonstrating he can still bark up a storm. Since Ray is not barking at anybody in particular, he’s NOT an asshole.