Here’s a fucking genius for you. Guy read a book titled “The Intelligent Investor.” That alone should be enough of a hint DIY Investor Loses Shirt, Throws Sh*t Fit— you could probably write the rest of this story yourself. Except you don’t need to because somebody at The Stonk Market already did.

We’re not reporting the guy’s name. He’s got enough troubles. And by the way, nothing in the Stonk story explains what happened to his face. We’d suspect it was the result of resisting arrest, but we’ll never know. The Stronk is cutting edge journalism after all. How could that photo and that story get published together and nobody notices there’s no explanation of why the guy had the crap beaten out of him? Cutting edge journalism, that’s how.

Never gamble with money you can’t afford to lose.

Anyway, the guy took his life’s savings, SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and shorted Tesla stock. When you short a stock, you’re betting the price will go down. This idiot put his life’s savings on that bet. What have I told you before people? You NEVER GAMBLE WITH MONEY YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO LOSE. And here’s the shocker: The price of Tesla skyrocketed and the guy lost his fucking shirt. Went bankrupt. Bummer. But it gets worse.

Money Down The ToiletHis wife, upon discovering he’d lost all their money, filed for divorce and then sued him. Is this sounding like a country western song yet?

“It was the only thing I could think of doing.”

But wait! He wasn’t through. He then filled up his green Camaro (nice detail) with human feces and headed out on the highway. It wasn’t reported where he got a carload of human feces. The Stonk quoted him: “It was the only thing I could think of doing. I just lost all of my money and my wife left me. The only thing left to do was throw shit at people from my car.” Well now you don’t have to be a fucking genius to see the obvious logic in that.

He felt it was compelling enough, he started driving. The Stonk story states he “threw handfuls of human feces at pedestrians walking on the sidewalk. 750 pedestrians were hit in the face with human feces.” Human feces. Got it.

The 750 figure might be a typo.

Now, the 750 figure might be a typo. How long do you think it would take you driving around throwing shit at pedestrians to rack up 750 bingos? The moment someone gets hit in the face with shit, they’re gonna call the cops. They don’t like it. The police lines would be jammed. Maybe it was supposed to be 75 pedestrians. It’d be a surprise if a guy could hit even that many before the 911 calls or the cops or an irate victim caught up with him.

But as it happened, the guy ended up in jail charged with endangering the public, drunk driving, and domestic terrorism. So, at least nothing too serious. To sum up, he squandered his life’s savings, went bankrupt, his wife served him with divorce papers, then filed suit against him, and now he’s in the slammer.

Jezuz! Don’t you just hate weeks like that?

M. Nick