I was getting milk out of the refrigerator for my coffee and thinking about making egg salad today. As I was putting the milk back in the fridge, I saw some ham and I had the thought: “Ham and egg salad.” And my mind smithereened a little bit.

Perfect Hard Boiled Eggs

What goes together better than ham and eggs? Okay, bacon and eggs, steak and eggs, all great choices for an arterial sclerosis diet but very tasty nonetheless. This thought stopped me in my tracks, though: Would ham and egg salad even work?

Photo: When you finally get to egg salad, this is how the hard boiled eggs should look.

Understand, we’re not talking about a sandwich with a slab o’ ham and a fried egg on it.  That’s a ham and egg sandwich, it’s not a ham and egg salad sandwich. And it’s not like chunks of ham and chopped hard boiled egg in a leafy green setting. No, this is with mayonnaise. Like egg salad or, its lesser known cousin, ham salad. That’s just ground ham beat up with pulverized egg, mayo, and your choice of whatever else you want to put in it.

I think one time I had ham salad, and I have seen it (without any interest) in markets forever. Alongside the gag-inducing ham spread. But ham salad and egg salad combined into one magnificent sandwich? This is, I think, the right new concept for a world spiraling into insanity and catastrophe.

I was struck by the thought: I wonder if somebody has already done this?

Alright, alright, everybody just calm down, return to your seats and the next person who throws some shit up here is getting’ tossed out. There is nothing inherently evil about this idea, people. This is not worthy of riots and pitchforks. This is just a food innovation. This will not alter the course of history.

Bean sprouts on a sandwich are a crime against nature.
Bean sprouts on a sandwich are a crime against nature. See how creepy sprouts are? Oh, wait, sorry, these are actually parasites.

But wait! I was struck by the thought: I wonder if somebody has already done this? So I did a search. Oh boy. Is there – well, you tell me: After this revelation, what is on my face, class?

Okay, apparently everybody and his long lost hunchback sister make some version of ham and egg salad. Glancing through the recipes, some of them look okay, and some of them are gross. But suffice to say, this is not a new idea. People have been doing this probably for decades. With impunity. As so many people do in so many areas of life…

Here’s what one civilian calling herself JennyB says about her ham and egg salad recipe: “This is a twist on traditional ham salad recipes for those of you who prefer dill pickles over sweet. Serve on pumpernickel bread with fresh alfalfa sprouts!”

Now, beyond the mention of “traditional ham and egg salad recipes,” which kind of cements the fact this is not a new idea, I have a couple problems with this recipe. Substituting dill pickle for sweet, why did she even mention this? Who doesn’t change their pickle choices according to whim? Why would she even bring this up?

And pumpernickel bread? Holy shit, there is no more pretentious bread in the known world. . .

The real atrocity here, though, is the idea of putting bean fucking sprouts on any fucking kind of sandwich. Sprouts + bread? Why? Why would anybody even think of that? Okay, I can see their place in a salad, kind of, even though  you have to admit sprouts are like the recalcitrant worms of the salad family. They don’t really blend in with anything. Plus, you go the sprout route, there’s the awful burden of having to register for the Green Party or PETA or something. Oh, yeah, plus breaking the news to your parents you’re gay.

And pumpernickel bread? Holy shit, there is no more pretentious bread in the known world, not in the frozen Nunavut territories of Canada, not in the deepest tropical rain forest of the Amazon. You can’t even buy or order pumpernickel bread unless you have a beard and a stupid hat.

Photo: Hipsters line up for pumpernickel bread.

What it comes down to, though, is while I like the idea of ham and egg salad, I don’t think I’ll be making it anytime soon. The problem with it is the labor involved. It’s twice the work of doing egg salad. I like to avoid expending any kind of effort. Twice the work translates to half the likelihood I’ll do it. And that’s conservative. I can pretty much flat out state I will probably never make ham and egg salad. Doing egg salad alone is daunting to me, and in fact, I’ve already decided I’m not making it today. It’s a pain in the ass.

I’ll just fry an egg.

M. Nick