Egg Salad News: How To Make Flat Earth Coffee
As you know, the Egg Salad News is not just about egg salad. Nooo. The Egg Salad News is about any food, or the preparation thereof. In fact the Egg Salad News is about any fucking thing we want. Okay? Send complaints to 1-800-EAT-SHIT.com. See how that works out for you…
Now, if you’re anything like us up here in Orbit, you know the earth is flat. So It’s kind of redundant to call it Flat Earth Coffee, but we feel it’s an expression of our belief system. Plus, it’s damn fine coffee.
What’s the difference, you ask? The difference is the deployment of the ground coffee in the coffeemaker basket. There’s a specific procedure to arrange the coffee if you want it to have that flat earth attitude. So we’re going to describe the procedure for you.
We’re using a standard 12 cup coffeemaker for this, but we don’t make 12 cups at a time. We only make four cups at a time so the coffee doesn’t get old before it’s consumed. Four cups of coffee requires four rounded teaspoons of coffee. Now of course this is to your taste and some of you caffeine fiends are going to want to use more and that’s just up to you.
If you’re located in a different hemisphere, adjust the procedure accordingly.
The way you introduce the ground coffee into the basket is key. It needs to be deployed at each of the cardinal directions, North, East, West, South. Start with the North because we’re in the Northern Hemisphere. If you’re located in a different hemisphere, adjust the procedure accordingly.
As you drop the coffee for each direction you have to say the name. Spoonful at the top, you have to say aloud, “North.” Then you say each direction in turn. You do it North, East, West, South because the first letter of each word spells out N-E-W-S.
I, M. Nick, personally developed this strategy because I kept losing count of the number of spoonfuls I was putting in. I tried just using cardinal numbers, 1, 2, 3, 4, but I kept losing my place. I needed something else. Since of bottom of the basket was round, it struck me it looked like a flat earth map.
Now, after you’ve deployed the four directional piles of coffee you’re got an empty spot in the center of the circle. You take a HALF teaspoon of ground coffee, and plop it smack in the middle while pronouncing “Flat Earth.”
Hoo hooo! That’s stickin’ it to the man, amiright?
They’d fire us for even trying it, of course.
By the way, that white area around the circumference of the flat earth map up there is the Ice Wall. Nobody knows what’s beyond that. Plus, nobody knows how far the plane extends outside of that Ice Wall. Circling the flat earth at an altitude of about 200 miles, it’s still impossible to see the edges or what’s beyond them.
Admiral Byrd went beyond the Ice Wall and he claimed in 1954 there’s an unexplored continent the size of the US out there. He was an actual big-time admiral in the US Navy, for fuck’s sake! Or, it might have been the Air Force, we’re a little hazy on the details, but we’re too committed to doing nothing to look it up.
If we could steer this fucking buggy we could sail off and find out. But they thought of that and took steps to make it impossible. They’d fire us for even trying it, of course. And although we’d do it anyway, we haven’t yet figured out how. We’ve tried to convince the guys in the engine room to help us, but they won’t even talk to us anymore. Assholes.
But we’re not gonna trip. It pisses us off, but in the meantime we have this excellent Flat Earth Coffee to enjoy.
[Editor’s note: The embedded 1:53 video has shitty music added, but the basic information is there. Or if you’re interested here’s a 14:33 version of the 1954 interview.]