Yeah, okay, from egg salad to dog food might seem like a stretch, but it’s food, dammit. And I’ll tell ya what,Dog eating food. you ask any dog if he wants some egg salad he’s going to sit up and say FUCK YEAH. Because dogs are happy to eat almost anything including cat shit if they can get it. Makes me wonder if dogs can actually taste anything.

In any case, this is called the Egg Salad Fucking News because it’s about food. Period. So this is about dog food. Today. Don’t thank me.

The dog up here in Orbit likes Purina Incredibites for small dogs. Yeah, small dog. We hadda get a small dog for up here because of space requirements. No pun. Now when we’re running low on this food, we got the backup food until the next supplies arrive. The backup food is Purina Originals. Presumably because they’re for original dogs. I don’t know. What the fuck people? I didn’t name the fucking dog food, gimmie a break. You don’t like the name, or my theory about its origins, handcuff yourself to a bowling ball and jump in a lake.

While you’re wondering how to handcuff yourself to a bowling ball, I’ll just describe the reason I wrote to Purina. Here’s just a couple of the many paragraphs I sent them:

We don’t have a gram scale up in here.

“Despite what rumors you might have heard, we’re not drug dealers. We don’t have a gram scale up in here. We don’t have anything sensitive enough to weigh and compare two cups of dry dog food. Bathroom scale ain’t gonna to cut it for weights that light. But it seems to me the Originals might be lighter and less dense than the Incredibites, and so a cup of Incredibites might be more dog food than the same volume of Originals.

In other words, I suspect one cup of Incredibites is more food than one cup of Originals by weight. Do I need to give the dog slightly more Originals than Incredibites to keep him fed the same amount?”

Now see if you can believe the response I got from Purina. There’s some blather before and after this part, but this is the business here:

We want to assure that both products are formulated to meet the nutritional levels established by the AAFCO Dog Food Nutrient Profiles for maintenance of adult dogs.”

We think nobody even read this question.

HOLY SHIT!!! Did this guy even read the inquiry? People are fucked in the head, I’m telling you. The guy sees the message has references to two products they sell, so they must want to know which is better. And they’re BOTH GREAT.They might as well have had Charlie there in the video respond to our query.

Okay, okay. I’ll admit the question I sent them might have been clearer and maybe it was a little wordy, but for fuck’s sake, it wasn’t ten pages long or something. We think nobody even read this question. People are fuckin’ imbeciles.

Dog wants some food.Anyway, if there are any physicists out there, and you know who I’m lookin’ at, Doc, maybe you could solve this problem. Or maybe anybody with both types of dog food and a gram scale could figure it out for me.

We don’t want this dog going hungry now do we?

M. Nick

[Note: The animated GIF of the dog with human hands eating food, was taken from a video on Youtube. The video was by zakfontaine. LGT: whole video.]