Man Wielding Table Leg Might Be Hot Prospect For The Altoona Curve
I was reading a story in the Altoona Mirror online about a guy beating another guy with a table leg. All the news that’s fit to print, right? The guy’s charged with felony aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Stupid. And I thought about the name Altoona, what a stupid name it is. When I thought of it, I seemed to remember it was in Pennsylvania but I wasn’t sure. Then I remembered the internet is a vast repository of useless information so I looked it up.
Seven fucking towns in the US named Altoona. Yes Pennsylvania, and one each, FL, IA, KS, OH, WA, and WI. I wonder if any of them feature a mascot called Al Tuna. That would be fleek. Whatever the fuck that means. I can see Al Tuna in my mind now–but wait! I decided to google that.
There is an Al Tuna mascot and it looks just like I imagined, except – without the cowboy hat and neckerchief I saw in my mind. Turns out, yeah — this is just going to get stupider and stupider — Al Tuna is the mascot of the Altoona Curve, a shit double A baseball team in Altoona Pennsylvania. And by the way, we couldn’t find any video of the Altoona table leg incident, so the guys in the animated GIF don’t have anything to do with that. We just wanted to show you what a guy hitting somebody with a table leg might look like. We got the GIF from WorldStarHipHop.
Up here in orbit, we hate all team mascots…
Here’s what the stupid Altoona Curve website says about Al Tuna: He’s a “six-foot tall fish that can breathe out of water.” Well, FUCK Al Tuna. Up here in Orbit, we hate all team mascots, even the Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Yeah, they’re quirky over there in Santa Cruz, alright. Just not quirky enough.
We checked the 2019 stats for the Curve, which is why we called it a shit team. Fourth place out of six teams, .493 winning percentage, lost their last four of the season. Or at least that’s how we interpreted the stats.
The Centralia Underground Fire
The name of the team comes from a famous railway feature nearby, the Horseshoe Curve. Up here in Orbit, the strategy of naming sports teams with a singular noun, like the Utah Jazz or the Miami Heat, is a trend we heartily endorse. For any of you cities out there trying to come up with a team name, see how you like these:
The Mount St. Helens Volcano
The Okefenokee Swamp*
The Centralia Underground Fire
The Waterloo Slough
The Port Chicago Disaster
Nice, huh? ‘A course, you have to substitute the name of your town for the one in each example. If you need help, give us a clang; we obviously have a knack for naming teams. Plus, we’ve got nothing else to do up here but stare at the internet.
Sounds like that team could use some hitting.
To sum up for today: Altoona is a stupid name and naming the Altoona double A baseball team The Curve is even worse. I mean, the Heat, the Jazz, the Underground Fire, those are powerful names. The Curve? Lame. You know it was undoubtedly a committee of imbeciles came up with that.
Maybe the Curve should take a look at the table leg guy. Sounds like that team could use some hitting.
By the way, that red mascot thing in the GIF is not Al Tuna. We don’t know what the fuck that thing is supposed to be, but it looks pretty fishy to us.
[*A tip of the hat to Walt Kelly]