Mr. Beast’s Public Oral Fixation Is Ruining The Internet (With Graphs)
Who is Mr. Beast? We don’t know and we don’t want to know. All the energy we expend on this post will be focused on trying not to learn anything about him. What we DO know is every time we tune into YouTube, we see thumbnails for his videos everywhere. His gaping face. His mouth tricks. You’re thinking Lamprey Eel attack. And I have to think, what the ever lovin’ FUCK is wrong with this guy?
This open-mouth thing, did Beast start that?
You know, there was that “duck face” craze for a while, a cultural spasm. Ya get ’em. Nothing you can do about it. This open-mouth thing, did Beast start that? We don’t know. It’s enough to know some emotionally handicapped socially inept techies are keeping track of this kind of shit because their superpower is OCD.
What is Mr. Beast doing? What are his videos about? We don’t know. They all seem kind of stupid. “I bought the world’s largest mystery box, $500,000.” “Would you rather have a giant diamond or $100,000?” Are these aimed at children? Is he a children’s podcast host or something? We will not be answering any of these questions. It’s enough that we wonder in print.
The gape face is not Mr. Beast’s only look. He has a less emphatic smile that’s too creepy to show here, and he has a modified duckface version of himself. In fact, there are a couple examples of the modified duckface he reuses for different videos. Seems kind of like cheating to us, but that’s just us.
Apparently a wide open mouth is a click magnet.
Beast is doing well for himself. He claims he has 50 million subscribers. “I Ate A $70,000 Golden Pizza,” has 95 million views. Obviously it’s a successful strategy for any malignant narcissist, Beast isn’t the only one. This graph shows why.
These guys are trying to get the hang of it. That guy on the right needs to turn that frown upside down! But this video still has 59 million views.
The lesson here is obvious: You want a lot of views? Show us your fucking tonsils.
Notes and Acknowledgments:
In case you’re interested, here’s Mr. Beast’s YouTube channel.
We found the featured photo at change.org posted by an anonymous user. We don’t know where he got it. If anybody objects to us using it here, just contact us via the Contact Us page.