Of course you’re used to one-name stars. Madonna, Drake, Bono, Common. Some of the people, it’s a given name, One-name star performing. some it’s made up. Whatever. Whatever works. Some of them don’t. Where’s Plaid today?

It’s kind of hard to understand why nobody has ever thought of this before.

We have divined the name of the next huge one-name culture hero. It’s kind of hard to understand why nobody has ever thought of this before. Or, it’s possible people have thought of it but never had the cojones to actually use it. Be it, as it were, it is the most egomaniacal name anyone could ever come up with. It is “I.”

Bling beyond bling: BLANG.You’d have to be godlike to get away with calling yourself I. If you weren’t, people would just think you were a pompous asshole when you intone “It is I.” Without the requisite force behind it, it becomes an English major’s bleat, a grammar Nazi correcting you.

No, you gonna name yourself “I,” you better be a fucking MONSTER. You better be ready for some SHIT, Jim. You better be GIANT enough to wear some BLANG like this shit here.

Who will arrive first? I or Me? It’s downright philosophical.

“I will be appearing at Marvin Gardens through August 17th.” I guess “Eye” could be a variant. Or not. And will we have Me? Who will arrive first? I or Me? It’s downright philosophical. In an edgy way, of course. “Did you catch Me at the Strand?”

I’d go see somebody named Eyeball perform.

Back to the concept of Eye as a one-name star. Or Eyeball. In fact, I’d go see somebody named Eyeball perform. I probably wouldn’t if the name was Eye Ball. I only go to see one-name stars.

We’re going to accept applications through our Contact Us page.Marquee: Appearing now thru the 17th, I.

Since we thought of them, we own these names of course. Not the domains, the names as concepts. If you want to use any of them, you have to buy a license from us. We’re going to accept applications through our Contact Us page. Just send us a message with a 200 word explanation of why we should sell you the name you want, I, Me, or Eye. Or Eyeball.

Oh, and how much you’re willing to pay. Your explanation why you want the names won’t even factor in.

M. Nick