PETA’s New Mascot, Climate Change Cow, Delivers Dire Warning
Typical of shrill animal rights activists, the sign is in ALL CAPS. But you have to admit, that’s quite a catchy slogan. They’re all geniuses at PETA. Maybe one of the geniuses at PETA can explain what we’re going to do with all the cows we have now? All the cows will have to be put out to pasture where they’ll live out their days in the free-range luxury of nature.
Jezuz, who’s paying for all this shit if you’re not selling burgers anymore?
Except what happens to the milk cows? They still have to be milked or it will fuck them up, n’est-ce pas? What are you going to do with the milk? Throw it away? Jezuz, who’s paying for all this shit if you’re not selling burgers anymore? You could feed it to the hogs. Oh wait, you get rid of cows for food, you gotta get rid of the porkers too because they probably fart 24/7. Plus, it’s the moral high ground. Vegans don’t ingest milk. Or cottage cheese, OR ANY OTHER KIND OF FUCKING CHEESE if you can believe that shit.
And what are you going to do with all the chickens? And turkeys? If you’ve ever been around chickens you’ll know just how stupid they are. DAMN they’re stupid. But if you think chickens are stupid, wait until you have your first encounter with a turkey.
Minute a turkey sees you, he’s coming at you. He thinks he’s in charge. He’ll try to intimidate you. How much do you weigh? How much does a turkey weigh? It’s not a fucking wildcat, for shit’s sake. What’s it going to do, peck you to death?
So what are you going to do with the poultry, just turn them loose?
Turkeys are so stupid, the old wives tale goes, when it rains they’ll look straight up and drown because the water—I don’t know. That might be a myth, or it might be apocryphal, or it might be anecdotal, or any of many things that start with the letters “A” or “M.”
So what are you going to do with the poultry, just turn them loose? They’re too stupid to live on their own in the wild. Dogs would eat them, they’d get hit by cars. And, oh wait a minute, what are you going to do with all the fucking eggs? You can’t eat them.
I guess over time, if you quit generating more of them, all the livestock will die of old age or natural causes. OH FUCK I DON’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T THINK OF THIS IMMEDIATELY.
And I’ve heard stockyard steers make great pets.
Listen to me: The way you do it, see, is you make everybody adopt livestock. With the stipulation they can’t kill and eat the animals, see. All the liberals will go for it. They’ll do anything if you tell them it’s “for the planet.” Nothin’ like a 1000 pound steer in your two bedroom apartment.
But you know, it’s only for a few years. And I’ve heard stockyard steers make great pets. Loyal. Quiet. Gentle with the kids.
The photo of the Climate Change Cow was extracted from the video Climate Change Cow Says: “Go Vegan or we all die,” on YouTube by some dedicated right-wing wackos called Liberty Hangout.