How would you like to find a buried treasure in your back yard? You would, wouldn’t you?Infant abandoned on random porch. And if we told you something you’re doing routinely could make you a small fortune, because you’ve never made money at it before, you’re going to think we’re crazy. Nah, you’d say, that’s a bunch of shit. But let us assure you, there ain’t no shit involved.

Now–not everybody has treasure buried in their back yards, but there’s one couple in Florida unaware they’re sitting on a gold mine. Figuratively, not literally. We don’t want you to get mixed up here about buried treasure. There IS no buried treasure. FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING TREASURE DAMMIT. That was a metaphor, kind of like an example but not the real thing. Jezuz. It’s like a buried treasure in that, oh fuck it, if I have to explain this, the rest of it’s going to be an utter disaster. We’ll just skip ahead…

Could that treasure be in the form of cold cash?You see, in a particular apartment complex in Florida, from 2016 to 2019, three infants have been abandoned in random spots. One in 2019, one in 2017, and one in 2016. We don’t know what the fuck happened in 2018. Nobody left a baby laying around that whole year.

The three abandoned infants are related.

The reason this is news is the cops have just had the DNA of the three infants analyzed and the result is: The three abandoned infants are related. Alright, that’s a stunner, but hang on to your hat. You know how they’re related? They all had the same MOTHER and FATHER. That’s pretty fucking related if you ask us.

This was reported on the WFTV 9 website with the title: “DNA test reveals three infants abandoned at Orlando apartment complex from 2016 to 2019 are related.” Now lookit what’s going on here. These people, or at least the mother, probably, brought these infants to term. Gave birth. And then left the infants to be found by anyone. Mind you, they were left in places where they were sure to be found; these people are not monsters after all.

Abandoned infant savaged by wild dogs.By the way, if you’re going to abandon your infant, people, you want to be responsible and do it in a safe place. In the animation there, you can see what happens when a baby is irresponsibly abandoned. This is an infant being savaged by wild dogs. If you have a weak stomach, don’t look at it.

Those people could be making a handsome living if they played their cards right.

Overall, what’s wrong with this picture? That mother is going through eight or nine months of essentially being a surrogate for anybody else. She goes through the discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of birth, for what? To give that kid away for nothing?

Well that’s just wasteful. Those people could be making a handsome living if they played their cards right. They could have SOLD those babies. They could have raked in some cold hard cash. But they didn’t because they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

That’s why some geniuses created the CASH-FOR-INFANTS GoFIndMe campaign. They’re creating a network to put people who want to get rid of their infants together with people who will pay good money for ’em. NO you won’t have to worry about the nightmare of the legal adoption process. NO you won’t have to worry about dodging nosy law enforcement agencies. These guys take care of all that for you.

The majority of the time they’re working through reputable licensed attorneys–

Some people might say, why not just be a professional surrogate mother? CASH FOR INFANTS GoFindMe campaign.Everything would be on the up and up, there’d be medical care and they pay you well. The problem is the couple paying you is going to be a major pain in the ass.  According to CASH-FOR-INFANTS they’re going to want to monitor you so “their” baby will be healthy. What a bunch of shit, right? These assholes are going to insist you don’t drink or do drugs, and that right there is a deal killer for most thinking people.

With this new network, all parties will be fully vetted before they let a deal go through. The majority of the time they’re working through reputable licensed attorneys–think “Better Call Saul.” Your infant will be placed with people who want it, not just people who find it.

Now that’s what we call a Win-Win!

Important note: The CASH-FOR-INFANTS organization is probably not affiliated with the Clinton Foundation, though we can’t guarantee it. I mean, given the nature of it all…

Now of course we’re not suggesting anybody should actually sell their infant. No. In fact, that might not even be legal, strictly speaking. If we were going to give you any advice, we’d probably just tell you, you know, to get your shit straight.

M. Nick