I saw a headline just now, “Men Are Hiding Baldness With Man Buns, But It’s Riskier Than You’d Think.”

Could it be any riskier, you think, than being an asshole with a man bun?

man with man bun
What a man bun might look like.

My answer is “Nah.” Man bun is the end of the line. It doesn’t get any lower or more disturbed than resorting to a man bun. We all know a man bun is a substitute for having a personality. But now, inadvertently, we learn man buns might be a cover for what, thinning hair? Listen: To have a man bun for no reason is shameful enough. But to use your man bun to cover an even more shameful secret, thinning hair, is unforgivable. The painful truth is, hair is more important than personality. Even though a man bun is stupid, no hair is worse. That’s the conventional wisdom, anyway.

Sometimes I wonder why people do not give guys with man buns more shit. It looks fucking ridiculous having your little pony tail wadded up on top of your head in a ball. Guys putting their hair up in buns is just the worst idea in the history of the world. What kind of psycho does that? I’ll tell you what kind; a CULT.

That’s why nobody gives these pretentious assholes any shit; the cult might retaliate. Matter of fact, they’re sure to. You’d have to be looking over your shoulder and searching every passing face for malice. Above all, you’d fear the bun. Yeah, nerds with man buns following you around, painting slogans on your front door. Threatening your cat. The monsters in the man bun cult will FUCK. YOU. UP. MAAAAAN.

In a heartbreaking moment, the guy realizes his hair is thinning. What to do?

But I guess you can see how it might happen. Let’s say you got a guy, no wait, let’s make it a worst case scenario. The guy is obese, number one, and he’s not too bright. In fact, about his only response to anything is to point at random objects and try to name them. So far so good, but then, in a heartbreaking moment, the guy realizes his hair is thinning. What to do? Up until then the only thing he had going for him was his hair. Now what?

But you’re probably stuck back at the man bun cult. You probably have a million questions. Matter of fact, you’re probably asking yourself right now, what do these man bun cult members do on their day off? The important thing to remember about any cult is they’re just like you and me. If, for instance, we turned into exponentially worse assholes than we currently are and decided to wear our hair in buns. They do everything else as normally as we do, they just do it wearing a man bun to show they’re hollow inside.

But hold on! Here’s the best part: When in groups, they all act like nothing’s wrong. Man buns are not mentioned, bun disaster anecdotes are not shared. It’s just some regular guys standing around the BBQ making small talk not thinking about their man buns.

Here’s a thought: Let’s say you or I, you know, normal guys, get our addresses mixed up. We show up at the wrong party and find this man bun BBQ instead. Everybody there has a man bun. Wouldn’t our first thought be they were a religious cult? Some kind of murderous holdover orthodox something. That’s what I’d think. And I’d want out of there fast.

Wherever they are, they each want to be the only guy there with a man bun.

However, I think it’s highly unlikely groups of man bun wearers get together for any reason. It’s far more likely they avoid one another. Wherever they are, they each want to be the only guy there with a man bun. In a work, social, or classroom setting more than one man bun is a disaster for each man bunner. When you’ve got two or more man bunners in close proximity, comparisons are bound to be made. Being compared with anyone is terrifying to a guy wearing a man bun; especially if it’s another man bun man.

Every guy who suddenly decides to wear his hair in a bun thinks he’s just made himself instantly unique. All of a sudden he’s cool, at least in his own mind. He’s different anyway. And if anything is going to ruin that uniqueness it’s another fucking guy with a man bun. You wouldn’t think badly if, seeing another man bun wearer somewhere, our man bun wearer thought, “FUCK this guy with the man bun. FUCK this guy. Who the fuck does he think he is?”

Now you may or may not have noticed up there at the man bun BBQ there were no women. This should not come as a shock. Women are not immediately drawn to guys with man buns. In order for a woman to have anything to do with a man bun guy there must first be some forced contact, a school committee, a work project, a blind date, etc. Then, the essential goodness of these man bun wearing guys comes through.

This is not to say guys with man buns are not interested in women. They’re not wearing the buns to drive women away. It’s just the difficulty level is so much steeper for them than for a normal guy. Number one, they’re all dweebs of some sort and number two, they have man buns. With two strikes on them already, it’s always two outs, bottom of the ninth, and not looking good for Mudville.

When you meet his girlfriend, you shouldn’t be surprised if she’s overweight or ugly.

Let’s say you’re out and around, and you see a man bun guy from work. When you meet his girlfriend, you shouldn’t be surprised if she’s overweight or ugly. These guys have a lot to overcome getting a girlfriend, and they have to take what they can get. A severe mental or emotional handicap works the best. That gives the man bun man an opportunity to show how patient, kind, and understanding he is.

Now for some disclaimers: One, this report was prepared with heterosexual males in mind. If you’re gay nobody gives a shit, knock yourself out, have a man bun. In fact, if you’re a member of any of the alphabet communities, for you this is N/A. If you’re a woman and you want your hair in a bun, again, knock yourself out. It can be cute on a gal.

And number two, this report doesn’t apply to anyone whose religion requires they do or wear screwy things. This report is in no way intended to disparage any race, religion, gender, any of that.

No. It’s only supposed to disparage straight guys with man buns. Because they look like douche-nozzles, get it? I can help you with that, guys. You just need to get a fucking haircut. Get a buzzcut, in fact. If it looks bad, then start shaving your head. If it looks okay, then wait for it to start looking bad.

Believe me, it will.

M. Nick 07-15-17