NYC street riotIf you wanted to find the armpit of the universe, you wouldn’t be far off to suggest it was New York. Within the term New York I include the city and the state. Seems the urban crazy has leaked out into the rest of the state and infected everything. I happened across ABC News 10. It’s like the news on an old TV set in a horror movie.

Oh wait, did I say New York is the armpit of the universe? Ahhh, I meant the ASSHOLE of the universe. That’s what I meant.

In the Big Apple you expect stupid and crazy.

I’ve been to New York City a couple times and all I have to say about it is, fuck that. But that’s the city of New York, and everybody knows if you aren’t rich, NYC is not the kiddie area at McDonald’s. In the Big Apple you expect stupid and crazy. But see if you can wrap your head around the amount of stupid and crazy there is upstate.

Here’s an item from ABC News 10 which is apparently in Albany: Sand Lake NY, snow country, don’t you know. “Man arrested for setting booby-traps on local snowmobile trails.” Of course in their zeal to be accurate, News 10 calls it “booby-traps” plural, when in fact we have one instance. We could find not a single video on youtube of a snowmobile caught in a booby-trap, so here’s one from Utah with no snow, but the booby-traps are fearsome.

They figured out who placed the trap and arrested his ass. The man was 31. The description of the trap he constructed was largely incoherent in the story, but the result of it would have been a tree cut to fall on a rider. According to News 10, he said he booby-trapped the trail “because he was angry about the noise and traffic coming from the trail.”

Well hell, who wouldn’t be. Ah, except I bet the trail was there long before he moved into the neighborhood. Let me guess: He just moved there from California where your feelings are the most important issue in the world. If he didn’t like snowmobiles, why did he move there? Stupid question, I guess…

It appears she didn’t understand how snow works.

New York state robbery suspectNext up we have another person who undoubtedly moved to upstate New York from California because it appears she didn’t understand how snow works. We have the following headline from News 10, “Police: Robbery suspect left tracks in snow, then took a shower to avoid suspicion.”

A 29 year old Kingsbury NY woman was arrested and charged with all sorts of shit, but mostly robbery and larceny. She got a ride home with a woman she didn’t know. Be sure to pay attention to the details here. When they got on the 29 year old’s street, she stole the woman’s purse “after a struggle.” She then “fled behind nearby homes.” Yuh getting’ all this? The victim knew it was the woman’s street, she’d given her a “ride home,” for fuck’s sake. This 29 year old was not someone you could call a criminal mastermind.

When the police arrived they simply followed the perp’s footsteps in the snow and arrested her. Now this business about her taking a shower “to avoid suspicion” is especially brain dead thinking. Either the cops’ or hers, if that’s really why she decided to take a shower. Maybe she was sweaty after the “struggle.” Doesn’t matter, she’s fucked. She couldn’t even make bail.

But the real genius of the upstate New York crowd is a guy who stole a fire truck.

Stolen Ephrata volunteer fire department fire truckBut the real genius of the upstate New York crowd is the guy who stole a fire truck. If you’re anything like me, your first thought is, how’s that supposed to work? You’re stealing a vehicle designed and painted to be the most obvious thing on the road. How you going to get more than two or three blocks before the cops stop you?

I guess this just goes to show you I’m no criminal mastermind, either. This guy, whose first name is Claude, took the truck “without permission” from a volunteer fire department in Saint Johnsville N.Y. He got all the way to Cumberland, Maryland. So much for my theory he wouldn’t get far. I checked and it’s a 7 HOUR TRIP. Across two state lines, mind you, you gotta go through either Pennsylvania or New Jersey.

Does the word “desperate” come to mind?

Man stole fire truck in upstate New YorkNow of course the question is: Why? News 10 reports he “admitted to taking the truck without permission to meet with a person he met online.” Looking at the mournful countenance of the guy in the photo, I kind of shudder to think what was on the other end of that trip. Does the word “desperate” come to mind? My bet is the guy was a volunteer fireman, he suddenly got a hot date via the internet, he didn’t have a car, and hey, nobody was using the fire truck. Why not?

Well, I don’t know. Obviously it was the only way he could get there. I’ll tell ya, for me to drive seven hours for anything is going to require quite a payoff. Like Disneyland on steroids or something.

Or not steroids, acid maybe…

M. Nick