There’s a terrific but confused story out of Kentucky today about a doctor went all swaggering badass on some teenage girls, don’t tell me you’ve never had that urge. Apparently they weren’t practicing smart social distancing and the good doctor wasn’t havin’ any of that shit. It’s a lucky thing there’s viral video of this.

How the hell else are you going to get through to these people?

We caught this report in the New York Post online, “Doctor arrested for allegedly choking teen girl over social distancing.” Well HELL yes. You can’t have people flaunting the party line willy nilly. Up here in Orbit, we were surprised there was no slapping. We took an informal vote and it was unanimous we all wanted and expected slapping, dammit. How the hell else are you going to get through to these people?

But WAIT! What the FUCK is really going on in this video?Doctor shoving teenage girls. If you watch it repeatedly, as we know you will, you begin to see something else going on you don’t initially notice. There may or may not be a mysterious figure working with the doctor.

After the first exchange between the doc and the girls, he marches forward and shoves two of them out of his way. He stops and as he points at the girls, beyond him you see a frumpy female-looking character bending over and messing with other girls on the ground.

Did she stomp out on the beach with him to kick some ass?

Woman shoves man.We had the guys in the engine room chop a GIF outta the video to spotlight this. You see that figure bending over the girls in the background? What the fuck is she doing? Some version or other of fucking with them. Is she part of this doctor’s crew? Did she stomp out on the beach with him to kick some ass? Is she even part of a larger contingent lurking off screen? Mysterious robed cult figures maybe?

And then why, at the end there, does the doctor shove his apparent accomplice violently away before pouncing on the victim? Is there an internal struggle for control of the cult? The Post gives us no clue, but we’ve come to a consensus this is a violent and dangerous secret cult. Of course, that’s based on no evidence whatsoever, it’s just speculation based on rumor and canard. Word on the street, as it were.

This doctor wasn’t able to muster up any slapping at all.

The Doc did some pretty good shoving, we have to admit, but there was no apparent slapping. Shoving and slapping go together like a horse and carriage. This doctor wasn’t able to muster up any slapping at all. None. Up here in Orbit we’re thinking if he’d picked a group of teenage boys to straighten out, he wouldn’t even have managed any shoving. Holy shit, that would have been even funnier than the viral video. You think teenage boys are going to let some pudgy fuck like that doctor push ’em around? [Editor’s note: If they were fierce boys, that is. If they were meek boys, they would slink away chittering like monkeys.]

And speaking of slapping, we’re embedding a brilliant video on YouTube called “The Slap 2,” only 1:12. This is a tremendous video and we’ll put a link straight to the YouTube location at the bottom of this post. We suggest you view this full screen. Any time any of us up here in Orbit gets down in the dumps, this is guaranteed to cheer us up.

By the way, we’re going to pass along this PSA from the geniuses at the Louisville Police department. Pay close attention: “Obviously, we do not advise individuals concerned about social distancing to take matters into their own hands and confront people about it, especially in any physical way.”

Yeah. Confronting people in a physical way. That could turn ugly. You don’t want any problems, probably best to skip that part. Unless you’re in a murderous cult.

M. Nick

[Here’s Adam Rozenbachs’ “The Slap 2]