Warnings and Disclaimers
Medical or Psychiatric Emergency
PLEASE WEAR A MASK WHILE VIEWING THIS WEBSITE
Try to stay at least six feet from the monitor screen. You know, it’s probably better for you anyway what with all the atoms coming off that thing. Keep one of those thermometers you stick in your ear stuck in your ear at all times when viewing website. Check your temperature frequently. About as frequently as you check your email. In fact, that’s probably always a good idea whether there’s a pandemic or not. If you’re fortunate, you have a fancy watch that keeps track of all your vitals. You should definitely have one of those. So GET ONE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. And then set it so an alarm goes off the moment your temperature rises above 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If you’re operating on Celsius we can’t help you.
Make sure the ring tone assigned to your elevated temperature is startling and scary. Like the sound of a jackhammer, or try to get that Psycho movie music ring tone where the guy is murdering the chick in the shower. You’ve heard it, DWEEP, DWEEP, DWEEP, DWEEP.. Yeah, that one puts everybody on edge who’s within hearing range. Great for the vitals.
The information on this website is for general and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Don’t act or refrain from acting without consulting with your doctor, nurse, or other medical expert about your specific medical or health problem or individual health care needs. Always check with your health care team regarding any information contained on this website. New World Orbit expressly disclaims any liability with respect to actions taken or not taken by a viewer/reader/recipient based on any or all of the information contained on this website.
Injury and Damage Warning
WARNING: This website features, shows, describes, or discusses stunts, practices, beliefs, incidents, or tricks performed either by professionals or under the supervision of professionals in controlled environments, such as closed-circuit road tracks. Accordingly, New World Orbit must insist that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed or described on this website. Failure to heed this warning may result in serious personal injury, serious permanent personal injury, or even permanent personal death and may also result in personal or real property damage.
No animals were harmed during the making of this website. Except microbes maybe. We don’t give a shit about microbes.
Statement Regarding Children
“Some parents should not use their children for entertainment. Children are not pets, please respect them,” said a Weibo user who goes by the name [REDACTED] We hope this guy doesn’t mind us quoting him here. I mean, we don’t want any trouble. But that’s a great quote. It’s hard for us to imagine anybody disagreeing with him. Actually, never mind. We redacted his whatever kind of handle that is. Was. We took it off.
This website is glooten free but only as long as no part of the website is ingested. To be applied locally only. Do not eat. Do not stack over 12 high. No stopping at any time. Don’t follow leaders. Watch the parkin’ meters.
Acknowledgements and Attributions:
We got the crawling man GIF on GIPHY.COM but it had a watermark for MakeAGIF.com. We then found it on MakeAGIF.com with the title: “ Leonardo DiCaprio – Crawl Like Skylar.” Whatever the fuck that means. The animated GIF with the guy doing the faceplant off the vending machine has a watermark, 4GIFS.com, but we couldn’t find it there. We found it on GIPHY.COM
All the rest of the GIFs in this post are from GIPHY.COM including the one with the feline food riot. That one also has a watermark of 4GIFs.com but we couldn’t find it there.